Round One
Did I tell you that I was on a gameshow recently?! It was such a thrilling experience that I can't wait to tell you all about it! If you want to avoid some spoilers, feel free to watch my episode of Certamen! for yourself. It doesn't air until next Tuesday night, 7:00 p.m., on the Antiquities Gameshow Network. In the meantime, the suspense is too much for me to contain, so I simply must write about it here.
You see, I had been trying for months to get past the qualifying rounds of Certamen! (pronounced ker-TAH-men). After a series of grueling tests and interviews, they finally accepted me to be a contestant on the show. The game of Certamen has its roots in an ancient Roman tradition, now known as a quiz bowl, where contestants are drilled with a series of challenging trivia questions. The game is almost 2,400 years old and is now in its 57th televised season. Being around for so long, Certamen! had to steer away from the format of the original game a bit in order to keep up ratings. They added things like more pop culture trivia questions, extreme physical challenges, and an exclamation point at the end. They even brought on a flashy new host named Parker Philpot, whose salt-and-peppered good looks were meant to hook the prime gameshow audience of females ages 40 to 65.
The day of the show, I was so nervous I could barely contain myself. It was surreal finding myself on the famous Certamen! set that I had seen so many times on television. Mandelbaum and my young mentee Freddie were there in the studio audience to support me, but from my podium on stage where the lights were shining brightly in my eyes, I could barely make out their faces in the jam-packed crowd. I gulped as the producers bombarded me with directions left and right, the make-up artist powdered my face, and the director counted down the seconds to showtime.
Before I could even thinking of backing out, Parker Philpot trotted enthusiastically onto the stage to the excited cheers of the studio audience. "Thank you! And welcome to another edition of Certamen! Let's meet our contestants!"
It was then that I realized I hadn't even given a single thought to whom I might be competing against. To my right was a stout little woman, who by appearances seemed harmless enough, but to my left was a completely empty podium. Where was the third contestant?
Parker approached the rosy-cheeked woman and said, "Mary Schuman is a stay-at-home mom from Oberlin, Ohio. She loves taking her kids to soccer practice and walking the family dog, Blisters. Let's give it up for Mary!"
The crowd applauded, and Mary jumped up and down giggling joyfully. She gave an ecstatic and nervous laugh into her microphone. "Can I say hi to the sexiest man I know? Hi Bob!" She pointed in the audience and a fat man with a mustache and glasses, clearly the woman's husband, was sitting there stoically.
Parker continued on toward me. "Oh no!" I thought. "What am I going to say? I'm so nervous! I don't even remember my own name! What is my name?! How am I supposed to do trivia if I can't even remember my own name?!"
Luckily, Parker said it for me. He continued, "That's right, you may know him as the author of 365 Daily Dinosaur Facts. He enjoys volunteering in the community, drinking hallucinogenic beverages, and he has quite an interesting hobby I'm told. Blimping?"
"Oh, blimping is more than a hobby, Parker," I said. "It's a way of life."
The audience clapped, and I caught sight of Mandelbaum and Freddie cheering for me. My nerves seemed to settle after that, and I knew I'd be able to pull through.
Parker went on, "Now let's welcome our third contestant, our celebrity contestant, to the stage!"
A celebrity contestant? I wasn't aware this would be an edition of Celebrity Certamen (pronounced keh-LEB-ri-tee ker-TAH-men).
"He's our returning champion, but you know him best from the hit primetime crime drama, Quill & Ink. Let's welcome Mr. Mark Quimby!!!"
The audience went absolutely wild. I couldn't blame them; I was a huge fan of Quill & Ink myself. You may remember it as a suspenseful buddy cop show from the '90s, where two partner FBI agents investigated crimes in the Ancient Scrolls, Scriptures, Manuscripts, and Upanishads Division (ASSMUD). Mark Quimby played the part of the brilliant lead investigator, Marcellus Quill, whose suave, genius-level intellect and profound knowledge of ancient texts was matched only by the bravado of his partner, Frank "Ink" Cassidy. Quill's by-the-book brilliance and Ink's gruff "bad cop" persona and tendency to work around the rules made for a compelling character drama and a dynamic plot.
I knew Quimby to be a writer/producer on the show as well, which was famous for its intricate attention to detail and historical accuracy, so I knew this intelligent man would be some amount of competition for me. (As a side note, the show did jump the shark a bit in the fifth season, when Quill and Ink's decoding of the mysterious Voynich Manuscript led to communication with an alien race. But what show doesn't have to stretch the level of plausibility a bit in order to maintain an extended, compelling storyline?)
Quimby said confidently, "Happy to be here, Parker. Let's get started, shall we?"
Parker energetically kicked off the competition, explaining the rules to the audience and to us. "In the ancient style of Roman Certamen, contestants will answer increasingly more difficult trivia questions for a total of five rounds. A single incorrect answer will lead to sudden elimination. Everyone clear? Well, let's get it started! Contenturi te salutamus!"
Round one kicked off, and the questions were surprisingly challenging already. They certainly were not going "easy" on us in the opening round. Mary answered a tough question about the Latin word for "desert bearpaw poppy" (papaver arctomecon). (How does a common housewife know Latin, by the way?) Meanwhile, Quimby had no trouble giving the answer to his question: what was the first planet to be discovered by telescope?
"Pardon the innuendo in my answer here, Parker," said Quimby smoothly, "but I do believe you're well acquainted with... Uranus." The audience laughed, and Parker was embarrassed.
Then it came to me and he asked, "Which American state is known as 'The Gopher State'?"
I had to rack my brain a bit, and I was worried the answer had slipped my mind. Up until now, I had thought I was well versed in state nicknames. A dread filled me that perhaps I would draw a blank and shamefully be eliminated in the first round, but suddenly a thought dawned on me.
"Ah yes," I said, "the Gopher State. That is a tricky one indeed, but I believe I know the answer. You see, you would assume that a gopher - being a rodent - would naturally take the side of the squirrels in the ongoing conflict of man versus squirrel. But gophers are, in fact, known for their neutrality. Now let's think, where do gophers like to live? That's right, on beaches. Beaches... water... neutrality... neutral bodies of water... Why, yes, our first thought must be the Minnesota Ocean, known for its neutrality. I'm sure many members of our audience today are asking why they've never heard of that particular ocean, so let me explain. You see, the Minnesota Ocean, located directly on the border between the state of Minnesota and our neighbor to the north, Canada, has become somewhat of an obscure secret to the general public. Back in the early days of colonialism, American cartographers assumed the Canadian cartographers would place the landlocked ocean on their maps, and the Canadian cartographers assumed the same about us. Consequently, both countries forgot to include the ocean on their national maps. Eventually, the ocean was altogether forgotten and lingers in neutral obscurity, also having dried up and shrunken into something more along the size of a large lake. But, a large population of gophers still remains there to this day, basking in the sun of those beautiful Minnesota beaches. Thus the state of Minnesota has earned the nickname 'The Gopher State.'"
Parker looked at me, then at his answer card. "That's... that's correct."
The audience cheered wildly, but Quimby shouted, "None of that can possibly be true! I mean, yes, he's right; the answer is Minnesota. But all that other stuff about gophers and secret oceans..."
Parker shrugged his shoulders and gave a glance at the judges offstage. "I'm afraid as long as the contestant's final answer is correct, then it counts."
The crowd applauded some more, and I gave a thumbs-up to my friends in the crowd. Parker took us to a commercial break and that gave us a few minutes of breathing room between rounds. I took a moment to offer a sportsmanly congratulations to the other two competitors for having survived the first round. Mary was so delightfully cheerful, but Quimby scowled at me rather bitterly. He refused to shake my hand.
"Good luck trying that nonsense in round two," he said. "This is my twelfth time on Celebrity Certamen!, and I'm undefeated."
I raised an eyebrow at the fellow, and I vowed to myself that his thirteenth time would not be so fortunate for him. Let the game begin.
#certamen #roundone #gopherfacts #minnesotaocean #markquimby
Round Two
In the minute before the start of round two of Certamen!, I caught up with Mandelbaum and Freddie in the audience.
"Great job on round one!" said Freddie. "You're gonna kick this Quimby guy's ass."
"Language, Freddie," I said, "and I don't think it'll be an easy feat. He may be a big-time Hollywood actor, but don't underestimate him. He's highly intelligent."
The director cut us short, saying we'd be back on in ten seconds, so I rushed back to my podium. As the host Parker Philpot came back on stage and welcomed us to round two, he stated that the difficulty of our trivia questions would be increased. Mary the housewife was the first one up again, and she answered a question about which musical instrument had once been banned under traditional English law. She knew the answer was bagpipes because her daughter, Cindy, had recently taken up the instrument in the school marching band, and the constant squealing around the house was driving her and Bob crazy. She sympathized with British legislators.
Next up was my celebrity rival, Mark Quimby. Parker asked him, "According to the Federal Aviation Administration, when do 80% of all crashes take place?"
Quimby thought for a long moment, and I became very eager that perhaps he was stumped and didn't know the answer, but he said, "When a blimpman is your pilot."
The audience laughed. I gasped; I couldn't believe he would stoop to being so insulting! From the corner of my eye, I spotted Freddie leaping out of his seat, ready to rush the stage, but Mandelbaum restrained the angry boy.
Parker chuckled but clarified, "Airplane crashes, Mr. Quimby."
The actor laughed smugly and gave me a forceful and condescending pat on the back. "I'm only kidding of course. The actual answer is on the runway, during take-offs and landings. Final answer."
He was right of course, yet all I could think about was how incensed I was that he decided to take the low road. He was deliberately trying to get in my head right before my turn, and I knew as much, but even then it didn't stop me from boiling with rage.
Suddenly, I was interrupted from my bitter stewing by a startling commotion of ringing bells, blaring alarms, and flashing lights. I didn't know what on earth was going on. When the noise died down, Parker chimed in, "Well well, ladies and gentlemen, it looks like we have our first physical challenge!" The audience went berserk.
I finally understood what was going on. Having watched the show, I knew they would occasionally throw in some intense obstacles which were designed to challenge both the mind and the body of the contestants. They often involved athletic feats which required dexterous mental ingenuity to overcome. I wasn't expecting to be the first one handed a physical challenge, but I supposed that was the card I was dealt.
I awaited Parker's explanation of the challenge, and he really laid it out thick to maintain suspense with the audience. "Knowledge is man's greatest strength, but only a foolish man would think he knows all. Therefore, for your hubris against the gods, you will be forced to answer for your sins. You have awakened their wrath! And the only way to subdue it, is to prove your worth, by scaling the summit of their heavenly home, MOUNT OOOOOLYMPUS!!!"
He pointed, there was an uproar from the audience, and a thunder sound effect boomed over the speakers. As the lights flashed, a curtain behind me pulled away and revealed the dreaded "Mount Olympus". It was an enormous, thirty-foot prop of rubber and plastic, designed to look like a rocky mountain peak. The dangerous path to the top was capable of disrupting a climber's progress with foam-rock avalanches and confetti-strewn snowstorms. (The whole thing was actually a recycled prop from the old Nickelodeon show GUTS, where it was then known as the "Aggro Crag".) This was one of the most difficult obstacles on the show, as it had a nearly 96% elimination rate with contestants.
The producers fitted me with a Centurion-style helmet and lined me up at the starting line. I was already sweating. Parker held up a lofty hourglass and said, "If you do not make it to the summit in three minutes, your time here on Certamen! will be at an end. Good luck to you! Ready! Go!"
My feet took off faster than I thought possible, and I focused every bit of my attention toward navigating the treacherous rubber rocks around my feet, drowning out the noise of the crowd and the synthetic thunder filling the studio. I took a wrong step on a loose rock and got a mouthful of white glitter blasted into my face from a concealed cannon.
"Watch out for those snowstorms!" shouted Parker.
I made a mental note to watch my footing more carefully and kept on pressing forward. Suddenly, my head was rattled by a heavy blow. I looked up, dazed and concussed, adjusted my helmet, and realized that the task would require me to simultaneously keep my held high and pointed toward the ground - an impossible task indeed.
But what had hit me? I saw a burly, fake-bearded man at the peak of Mount Olympus, wearing a toga and some laurel leaves around his head, and he held a lofty "lightning spear" in his large hands. He hurled the rubber bolt at me with such force, and I only barely managed to dodge this second barrage.
"How dare a mortal approach Mount Olympus!" cried my attacker in a deep and booming voice. "I, Jupiter, king of the gods, will not permit such treason! Take this, you buttmuch!"
He continued to hurl lightning bolts at me while I struggled futilely to rise higher in my climb. The closer I got, the more deadly the assault on my body had become; everywhere I turned were falling rocks, lightning bolts, and blinding lights in my eyes.
As if that weren't enough, Jupiter bellowed, "Mummies! Attack!" and then two other actors leapt out from their hiding places above me, wrapped in bandages and their faces covered by masks.
"Oh come on!" I shouted. "You're not even getting your mythology right!"
The mummies latched onto me and slowed me down, but I was able to shake them. I kept on climbing, higher and higher, my body starting to give out as every last bit of energy was sapped from my limbs. I heard the audience counting down: Five... Four... I leapt over a rockslide zooming below me... Three... a final juke left and out of the path of an incoming lightning bolt... Two... and there it was - the finish line! One--
I lunged forward and slammed my hand down on the buzzer. Confetti shot everywhere, and the Jupiter character let out a most defeated bellow. Fog machines blew streams of smoke all around him, and I could see him disappear into a trap door down below.
...
The round was over, and we were back to another commercial break. "You did it!" cried Freddie as he ran toward me, "You really did it! And only one second to spare! That was amazing!"
I was too out of breath to even say a word, but Mandelbaum propped me up on my feet. The physical challenge had truly drained me. How was I supposed to last another three rounds in this competition? I knew it would take every remaining ounce of strength I could muster.
#exhausted #roundtwo #mountolympus #doyouhaveitGUTS
Round Three
At the beginning of round three, Mark Quimby was selected for a physical challenge. He was working furiously to calculate the answer to a Euclidean geometry problem written on a whiteboard in front of him. He was mumbling numbers to himself and using an ancient-style abacus to attack the intense math problem. The board showed two big circles with two smaller reddish circles in the middle, with measurements and Roman numerals written all over the place. Behind him was a caged tiger, growling and snarling ferociously, and an actor in a satyr costume hopped up and down on his two goat legs, trying to distract Quimby by simultaneously playing a flute and holding a ticking timer above his head.
It was incredibly intense to watch, and even the seasoned champion Quimby was feeling the pressure of the challenge. His wiped the sweat from his brow, and suddenly screamed, "Got it! The answer is 80,085 square units!"
The music halted, the satyr trotted off stage dejectedly, and the caged tiger was wheeled away. Parker said the answer was correct, and over the applause I'm pretty sure I heard Freddie shouting in the crowd, "Hah! 8-0-0-8-5, that spells BOOBS! It spells boobs!"
By this point, all the contestants were dressed in togas, as we had all progressed to the Roman Forum Super Maximus Super Round, whatever that meant. Parker stood before us and said, "We asked our contestants before filming who they trusted enough to bring on the show with them. Let's hope they chose their partners wisely!"
Partners? Ah, I should have known they'd pair us with a partner at some point. "Let's meet their teammates, shall we?" Mary Schuman's partner was her husband, Bob Schuman, who owned his own plumbing company. My partner was, of course, Mandelbaum, and I was lucky to have such an intelligent friend by my side. Plus, if we got strapped with another physical challenge, I knew he'd have no difficulty whatsoever.
Quimby's partner was his Quill & Ink costar, Chet Carper. He came out onto the stage with much fanfare, and I was a little star-struck to see both "Marcellus Quill" and "Ink Cassidy" reunited once again. Chet was like a firecracker, full of rambunctious energy. He came out yelling, really pumping up the audience, and he gave Quimby a high five.
Parker said, "Welcome back, Chet. You ready to help Quimby win another round of Certamen?"
Chet screamed, "Damn straight, Parker!" and then he turned to me and Mandelbaum, screaming, "We will STAB you!"
Quimby held his partner back saying, "Easy, Chet, easy. Remember your breathing techniques."
Chet got it together and took a few deep breaths, calming down. But man, that was terrifying. Now I see how he was able to play the part of machismo-filled Ink Cassidy so naturally.
The partner round kicked off with a series of difficult questions. Mary and Bob were asked, "What mineral is made from fossilized dinosaur poop?" Ah, why couldn't Mandelbaum and I have gotten such an easy question?! I had included that very fact in 365 Daily Dinosaur Facts, so I immediately knew the answer. Mary and Bob whispered to each other, then turned to their microphone and said simultaneously: "Coprolite, Parker."
"That's right!" said Parker. "Bob, you're a plumber. Ever deal with any coprolite stuck in people's pipes?"
Bob coughed and said flatly, "Not recently, Parker."
"Well alright then. For our two celebrity partners, your question is, 'What kind of weapon is a falchion?'"
I wasn't sure of the answer myself, but Mandelbaum told me it was a type of sword. I can always count on him! I was just hoping Quimby and Carper would not come across the answer so easily.
I overheard them whispering, "Wasn't it episode 201 where we found a falchion in the hidden temple of Nefkrit?"
"Yeah, I think so. You used it to kill some attacking drug runners."
"It's a sword, Parker!"
I gritted my teeth angrily as the crowd cheered for them. The two actors gave each other a high five, and Chet Carper mimicked using an invisible falchion to stab at Mandelbaum and me.
The last question came to the two of us - Mandelbaum and me - and Parker asked, "The 18th-century English gardener, Lancelot Brown, was better known by what nickname?"
I panicked. I... I didn't know. I quickly conferred with Mandelbaum, but he just shook his head blankly.
"How could you not know?!" I asked. "Between the two of us, you're the one with the green thumb! I figured you'd know a gardening question. Ugh."
But I knew it wasn't his fault; I had only myself to blame. Surely I knew this answer at one point, right? How could I have forgotten it? Time was ticking down for us and the blank space in my mind refused to fill up with the correct answer. What was I supposed to do? I couldn't just give up...
Suddenly, an idea dawned on me! "Mandelbaum, I need to retreat into my mind basement! Quick, massage me!" He knew exactly what I meant by this seemingly strange request, and he wasted no time grabbing my shoulders with his thick yet dexterous fingers, and he started rubbing me down fervently. I closed my eyes as his firm but gentle massaging hands washed over me like the rolling waves of a peaceful ocean. I inhaled and exhaled slowly, allowing the darkness to fill my mind.
When I awoke, I found myself in a darkened corridor with a set of stairs leading down into a cluttered basement. I immediately recognized this place as the basement of my childhood home. You see, my mother was something of a hoarder back in the day, and she collected everything in our basement, everything from our neglected childhood toys, to worn out Halloween costumes, to broken furniture, to a now priceless library of VHS tapes of 1980s animated classics.
Through intense studies in tantric mediation and mnemonic exercises over the years, I had learned how to recall this location from my childhood as a place where I could store my innermost subconscious thoughts and memories. This was a place where all knowledge, whether known or unknown, could be stored away for some future use. I looked all around the dark basement, wondering where I might find the answer to the trivia question that had been asked.
"Gardening... gardening... Lancelot Brown...," I muttered to myself.
And then I heard the most startling giggle - a child's laughter - coming from behind a stack of cardboard boxes. I jumped in fright, but I quickly mustered my courage. "Come on out of there!" I shouted.
From the boxes came a skinny young lad, no more than ten years old, pointing a Nerf gun at me. "Who are--?" I was about to ask, but the answer was clear to me before I could even finish my words. I knew that this child... was me.
I was stunned to see my younger self here in this mind basement, but I suppose it made sense. I asked him (me), "Where can I find Lancelot Brown's nickname? Is it in here?"
The boy-me chuckled and said, "Oh sure. That answer is definitely in here." Then he pointed to the mounds and mounds of boxes and clutter scattered about. He continued smugly, "You have the capability of finding it yourself." He laughed mockingly at me, shot me in the forehead with a Nerf dart, and ran away.
I scowled at him for being anything but helpful and said, "Now I see why girls didn't like you! Thanks for nothing!"
I was stuck with no more knowledge than I had entered with. I continued to scour through the old boxes, muttering to myself, "I have the capability of finding it... I can find it... capability..."
But as I continued the hunt through boxes of action figures, Parker's voice suddenly entered the basement, and I was hearing him counting down. "Six seconds... five... four..."
No! I'm not ready! I continued to rummage through the never-ending mass of junk, but I couldn't find anything!
I snapped back to reality right as Parker said he needed my final answer and I shouted, "Capability! Lancelot Brown's nickname was Capability Brown!"
"That's correct!" declared Parker.
The crowd went wild, and Mandelbaum and I immediately embraced each other in the most celebratory hug. What an amazing come-from-behind victory! And it was all possible thanks to the hypnotic massaging skills of my greatest friend in the universe, dear Mandelbaum.
#massage #roundthree #quillandink #partners
#mindbasement #capability #80085
Round Four
I was still reeling from the mental toll taken on me by the retreat into the mind basement, and my body was now beginning to ache from the exhausting climb up Mount Olympus in the physical challenge. Luckily, I could see that Quimby was no better off than I, for his physical challenge had taken a toll on him as well. My only hope was that round four might finally turn the game toward my favor.
We had a moment to breathe and recuperate as Mary Schuman finished up her first physical challenge. Drenched from head to toe in green slime, she emerged from a vat that they were calling the "Descent into the Underworld." Despite her short, rotund body, she was surprisingly agile in navigating the tank of slime and successfully found all seven sunken denarii that were hidden inside. She attributed it to her skills as a mom, as surely finding lost items and a bit of slime were nothing new to her.
As her challenge ended, Parker rolled a massive pair of dice, and on each side were pictures of our faces. My face rolled up on one, and Quimby's face was on the other. I wasn't sure what this meant for us, but I assumed it wasn't good.
"It looks like we have our two contestants for the gladiator match!"
Oh great, after all we've been through? Now hand-to-hand combat? Why couldn't we have done this during the partner round when Mandelbaum was by my side?
A huge mock-arena was positioned around the stage, closing Quimby and me inside. The producers wheeled out a cart displaying all sorts of weapons. Quimby was allowed to choose first, and he selected his armaments: a prop sword and a shield. I decided to arm myself with a trident and a net, as I figured the trident would give me a longer reach, and the net would allow me to carry away any of my limbs that might get severed, should I lose.
I turned toward Quimby, ready to face my opponent in combat. "Alright, Quimby, let's see what you've got!"
He turned to me and said, "Don't be daft. We're not fighting each other. We're fighting them."
He pointed, and that's when two enormous men entered the arena. One was wearing a bull's head mask - a Minotaur - and the other was a one-eyed Cyclops. They were actors, of course, but that didn't make them any less terrifying. Quimby and I retreated into a back-to-back defensive position as the two beastly monster-men circled around us. I waved my trident and tossed my net, hoping to snag the Minotaur by the horns, but he was wise to my trick and dodged it.
"You're the champion here," I said desperately to Quimby. "What do we do now?"
"Well, we can either attempt to slay these monsters in combat, or one of us can win if we answer the Emperor's trivia questions."
He pointed to a balcony overhanging the mock arena, and a big man was sitting up there, wearing the purple toga of a Caesar and a set of laurel leaves around his head. (He was clearly the same actor who played Jupiter in the earlier round.)
"I am Caesar Trivius Augustus," he proclaimed in a nasally voice, "the founder of Certamen!" I rolled my eyes at the butchering of history being presented before me, but there was no time to focus on that. He continued, "And I have two trivia questions. If answered correctly, your lives shall be spared. The first goes to you!" He pointed at me, and I gave a salute with my trident. "What song did the Emperor Nero allegedly sing as he watched the city of Rome burn in 64 A.D.?"
I had to think for a moment because the pressure of the incoming monsters was greatly distracting me. "I need an answer!" demanded the Emperor.
"Well," I said, "I'm assuming you're referring the same Nero, the squirrel emperor. Yes, he was indeed the first and last squirrel to rule the empire. He was fascinated with fire, as all squirrels are, and he had no qualms about lighting his beloved capitol on fire." I swung at the roaring Minotaur, finishing my answer. "The legend states that the Ballooniae, the ancient ancestors of the blimpmen, tried to stop him, but Nero blockaded himself away inside his castle, playing his fiddle and singing a song of mockery at the Ballooniae as the city burned around them. I do believe that song was meant to taunt the incoming balloonists, whom he referred to as a 'Sacks of Helium'. But we now know that song by a different name, the Latin translation, known as 'The Sack of Illium.'"
Quimby dodged an attack from the Minotaur and swung his sword in the air. "Oh come on! That's all total nonsense!"
Emperor Trivius Augustus was having a whispered debate with the judges offstage, and they simply shrugged their shoulders. He finally said, "Um, I don't know about all that other stuff. But 'Sack of Illium' is... correct."
The bells rang, and the two monsters suddenly left me alone. I was spared. They both turned their attack toward Quimby, who relentlessly swung his sword at the Cyclops. He shouted to the Emperor, "I am ready for my question!"
"Okay then. If someone's birthday is on the Ides of September, then on what day of the month was he born?"
"Easy," shouted Quimby. "Julius Caesar was assassinated on the Ides of March, which is March 15th. Therefore, the Ides of September is September 15th."
A buzzer shrieked, and the two monsters pounced on top of Quimby. They smothered his body, rubbing his face forcefully into the floor. He looked up at me helplessly, stretching out his hand. "Help... me...!"
But I looked down and said, "I'm sorry Quimby. The answer is September 13th. Don't you remember the old rhyme? 'March, July, October, May, the Ides are on the 15th day.' All other months, the Ides fall on the 13th."
The two monsters latched onto his feet, each grabbing one, and they started to drag him away. He clawed at the ground as they pulled him away on his belly. "No! No, this can't be! I never lose! I'll get you for this, blimpman! I'll get youuuu...!!!" But his scream trailed off as they drug him away into the darkness.
The walls of the mock arena pulled away, revealing the studio audience. Parker Philpot came running to greet me. "Well done! You've survived the gladiator round! Though our former champion was not so lucky. Let's give it up for our contestant!"
The studio audience cheered, but I could barely pay them any attention as I hunched over, hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath. Parker said, "Stay tuned, ladies and gentlemen, for our final round to see who will take home the title of champion of Certamen! And now, a special message brought to you by Playtex."
As the cameras cut away from us, I could hear the pre-recorded commercial airing over the monitors: "Introducing Playteximus, keeping you at your freshest during gladiatorial combat..."
But I started to zone out as exhaustion crept up on me. The world around me began to swirl. The lights overhead were a dizzying vivid neon blob, and suddenly, I saw the ground coming rapidly closer, and all went black...
#roundfour #gladiators #novictoryforquimby
#sackofillium #ballooniae #playteximus
Round Five
When I awoke, Mandelbaum, Freddie, Parker Philpot, and a few producers were huddled over me. They explained that I had fainted, no doubt from my exhausting gladiatorial battle. They were debating whether they should disqualify me from the show because I was unable to go on, which would therefore eliminate me from the match, but I quickly shot to my feet and adamantly demanded to continue onward with the competition. With Mark Quimby eliminated, I knew the championship was mine for the taking.
The producers were unsure, but Freddie said, "Give the guy a chance, you chumps! He answered every question you threw at him, climbed Mount Olympus, and fought off monsters in the arena. What's one more round of trivia gonna do, huh?"
I was thankful to have the lad's support; I did not take it lightly. Parker nodded to the producers and gave the go-ahead.
"Alright, that's more like it!" said Freddie as he and Mandelbaum helped me to my feet. "Now get out there and win this final round! There's no way that mom will beat a blimpman like you. You're about to be the new champion!"
I must admit, the kid gave a good pep talk. I already felt some amount of energy returning to me.
The cameras came back up, and Parker kicked off the final round. "Now, the moment you have all been waiting for... the final championship round!"
By now, I figured the audience would have grown weary with the show, but I can assure you that there was nothing more exciting and entertaining to them than this. I had imagined this moment since the day I signed onto the show, ready to challenge myself in the final test. What surprised me most was that it was not the sheer moment of terror I had always pictured; instead, I felt a mix of confidence and nervous energy. There was no fear, for by now, I knew I could face any challenge that would come my way.
"Before we go on to the final question," said Parker, "let's take a look at what our winner will receive! Back to showcase our grand prize is our celebrity guest."
For this, they brought back Mark Quimby, who looked extremely bitter and defeated. He wouldn't even make eye contact with me. Right next to him was his costar, Chet Carper, and the two of them were holding a giant oversized check for $25,000. Mary Schuman hopped up and down in excitement, clapping her hands and screaming, and even I was mesmerized by that delightful prize.
Quimby rolled his eyes and grumbled under his breath, "The winner of today's Certamen will win $25,000. Good luck... or whatever." And then he threw the check onto the ground.
The audience gasped at the unsportsmanlike temper tantrum, but right then, I think I noticed something that no one else did... While all eyes were on the check, I saw Quimby look back at his partner. He nodded subtly, and Chet Carper sneakily reached over onto the host's podium. While Parker was picking up the check, Chet slyly switched out the card that was on the podium for a different one.
Freddie must have spotted it too because I heard him shout, "HEY!"
But for some reason, which I still can't explain even to this day, I shot out a hand, signaling for Freddie to stop. Freddie sat back down in his seat, confused. I don't know why I did that. I could have easily reported what I saw, informing the judges of Quimby's sneaky cheat. But for some reason, I didn't. Maybe it was my overconfidence, my pride. Maybe I felt that even if he had given me a more challenging question than what was there before, I wouldn't let that stop me. I would accept this final trivia question, no matter how hard it was, and I would answer it.
Parker, none the wiser, picked up the check and tried his best to continue on with the show. "Actors. Drama queens, am I right? Anyway, let's get on with our final trivia question. This one goes to you."
Then he picked up the card that Chet Carper had placed on his podium. I could tell he was reading it to himself before he read it aloud, and he gave the card a funny, confused look. He cleared his throat and read it aloud for me to hear. "Which automotive tire and rubber company is known for its iconic blimp?"
I paused. What? Seriously? A blimp question? That one was so easy! Of course I knew the answer right away - it was Goodyear! Everyone in the world knew that, even those plebeian automobile drivers! It was the single most iconic blimp in the entire world! But then it dawned on me just how dastardly Quimby had been, how ingenious his plot was.
I made eye contact with him standing backstage, and he was smiling at me with the most sinister grin. He hadn't switched out the question for a more challenging one; he wanted it to be easy for me! Too easy! And somehow, he knew I'd see the switch and that my sense of pride would have allowed it. He didn't care if I answered right or wrong, he just wanted to test my honor. Would I answer the question correctly and claim the prize? Would I walk away knowing that a cheat had been made in my favor? He knew that every dollar I spent of that grand prize would be a constant reminder of the secret sin I had committed. And if I answered it wrong, then of course I'd fail. It was a lose-lose situation in every sense.
"We need an answer," said Parker.
I knew what I had to do. I stood up straight, adjusted my toga, and said, "I... I don't know. I'm sorry."
Parker was stunned. "Really? Don't even want to take a guess? Blimp question? No?"
I just shook my head, and Parker rolled his eyes and threw the card over his shoulder.
I spotted Quimby scowling at me, and even though I knew I had lost the prize, I did achieve some amount of satisfaction from truly defeating him one more time. My honor would remain intact. I may not have won, but I made the choice that stung him most.
The question, therefore, went to Mary Schuman. I waited patiently for her to answer the question, and I was ready to congratulate her on her win. But surprisingly, she just stood there, glancing frantically toward her husband in the studio audience. She was nervously sweating.
"Um...," she said. Then she stalled.
I did a double take. I couldn't believe it - she didn't know the answer.
"I... um... is it... Rubberstone? Firewell?"
Seriously, lady? How could you not know?!
Parker said firmly, "One second remaining! We need a final answer!"
And Mary shouted, "GOODYEAR!"
I gave a sigh of relief for her, and the audience went nuts. Bells and sirens rang, and confetti shot into the air. A pair of armed Centurions came out and lifted Mary into the air. Her husband Bob trotted onto stage, and she gave him a tearfully joyous (and grossly tongue-heavy) smooch on the mouth. I really was happy for her as she waved that giant check in the air.
Parker turned to the camera and thanked the audience for tuning in to another exciting round of Certamen!, and I clapped for the lucky winner as the music played us out.
...
After the show, Parker Philpot walked by and shook his head at me. "Seriously, man?" And then he kept on walking, still shaking his head in disbelief.
I never saw Quimby after that, but I was glad for it. I had had enough satisfaction to last me a lifetime, and I didn't need another negative encounter with him to affirm it.
Mandelbaum and Freddie met up with me, and the boy asked, "I don't get it. Why did you let Quimby switch the cards? And why didn't you answer the final question? It was so easy."
I gave the boy an affectionate pat on the shoulder. "The final test was never a trivia question, Freddie. It was a test of the heart. And I passed with flying colors. I'm proud to say I walk away as a true champion of the marvelous game of Certamen!"
#theend #roundfive #champion #buygoodyear
#finaltest #certamen
Did I tell you that I was on a gameshow recently?! It was such a thrilling experience that I can't wait to tell you all about it! If you want to avoid some spoilers, feel free to watch my episode of Certamen! for yourself. It doesn't air until next Tuesday night, 7:00 p.m., on the Antiquities Gameshow Network. In the meantime, the suspense is too much for me to contain, so I simply must write about it here.
You see, I had been trying for months to get past the qualifying rounds of Certamen! (pronounced ker-TAH-men). After a series of grueling tests and interviews, they finally accepted me to be a contestant on the show. The game of Certamen has its roots in an ancient Roman tradition, now known as a quiz bowl, where contestants are drilled with a series of challenging trivia questions. The game is almost 2,400 years old and is now in its 57th televised season. Being around for so long, Certamen! had to steer away from the format of the original game a bit in order to keep up ratings. They added things like more pop culture trivia questions, extreme physical challenges, and an exclamation point at the end. They even brought on a flashy new host named Parker Philpot, whose salt-and-peppered good looks were meant to hook the prime gameshow audience of females ages 40 to 65.
The day of the show, I was so nervous I could barely contain myself. It was surreal finding myself on the famous Certamen! set that I had seen so many times on television. Mandelbaum and my young mentee Freddie were there in the studio audience to support me, but from my podium on stage where the lights were shining brightly in my eyes, I could barely make out their faces in the jam-packed crowd. I gulped as the producers bombarded me with directions left and right, the make-up artist powdered my face, and the director counted down the seconds to showtime.
Before I could even thinking of backing out, Parker Philpot trotted enthusiastically onto the stage to the excited cheers of the studio audience. "Thank you! And welcome to another edition of Certamen! Let's meet our contestants!"
It was then that I realized I hadn't even given a single thought to whom I might be competing against. To my right was a stout little woman, who by appearances seemed harmless enough, but to my left was a completely empty podium. Where was the third contestant?
Parker approached the rosy-cheeked woman and said, "Mary Schuman is a stay-at-home mom from Oberlin, Ohio. She loves taking her kids to soccer practice and walking the family dog, Blisters. Let's give it up for Mary!"
The crowd applauded, and Mary jumped up and down giggling joyfully. She gave an ecstatic and nervous laugh into her microphone. "Can I say hi to the sexiest man I know? Hi Bob!" She pointed in the audience and a fat man with a mustache and glasses, clearly the woman's husband, was sitting there stoically.
Parker continued on toward me. "Oh no!" I thought. "What am I going to say? I'm so nervous! I don't even remember my own name! What is my name?! How am I supposed to do trivia if I can't even remember my own name?!"
Luckily, Parker said it for me. He continued, "That's right, you may know him as the author of 365 Daily Dinosaur Facts. He enjoys volunteering in the community, drinking hallucinogenic beverages, and he has quite an interesting hobby I'm told. Blimping?"
"Oh, blimping is more than a hobby, Parker," I said. "It's a way of life."
The audience clapped, and I caught sight of Mandelbaum and Freddie cheering for me. My nerves seemed to settle after that, and I knew I'd be able to pull through.
Parker went on, "Now let's welcome our third contestant, our celebrity contestant, to the stage!"
A celebrity contestant? I wasn't aware this would be an edition of Celebrity Certamen (pronounced keh-LEB-ri-tee ker-TAH-men).
"He's our returning champion, but you know him best from the hit primetime crime drama, Quill & Ink. Let's welcome Mr. Mark Quimby!!!"
The audience went absolutely wild. I couldn't blame them; I was a huge fan of Quill & Ink myself. You may remember it as a suspenseful buddy cop show from the '90s, where two partner FBI agents investigated crimes in the Ancient Scrolls, Scriptures, Manuscripts, and Upanishads Division (ASSMUD). Mark Quimby played the part of the brilliant lead investigator, Marcellus Quill, whose suave, genius-level intellect and profound knowledge of ancient texts was matched only by the bravado of his partner, Frank "Ink" Cassidy. Quill's by-the-book brilliance and Ink's gruff "bad cop" persona and tendency to work around the rules made for a compelling character drama and a dynamic plot.
I knew Quimby to be a writer/producer on the show as well, which was famous for its intricate attention to detail and historical accuracy, so I knew this intelligent man would be some amount of competition for me. (As a side note, the show did jump the shark a bit in the fifth season, when Quill and Ink's decoding of the mysterious Voynich Manuscript led to communication with an alien race. But what show doesn't have to stretch the level of plausibility a bit in order to maintain an extended, compelling storyline?)
Quimby said confidently, "Happy to be here, Parker. Let's get started, shall we?"
Parker energetically kicked off the competition, explaining the rules to the audience and to us. "In the ancient style of Roman Certamen, contestants will answer increasingly more difficult trivia questions for a total of five rounds. A single incorrect answer will lead to sudden elimination. Everyone clear? Well, let's get it started! Contenturi te salutamus!"
Round one kicked off, and the questions were surprisingly challenging already. They certainly were not going "easy" on us in the opening round. Mary answered a tough question about the Latin word for "desert bearpaw poppy" (papaver arctomecon). (How does a common housewife know Latin, by the way?) Meanwhile, Quimby had no trouble giving the answer to his question: what was the first planet to be discovered by telescope?
"Pardon the innuendo in my answer here, Parker," said Quimby smoothly, "but I do believe you're well acquainted with... Uranus." The audience laughed, and Parker was embarrassed.
Then it came to me and he asked, "Which American state is known as 'The Gopher State'?"
I had to rack my brain a bit, and I was worried the answer had slipped my mind. Up until now, I had thought I was well versed in state nicknames. A dread filled me that perhaps I would draw a blank and shamefully be eliminated in the first round, but suddenly a thought dawned on me.
"Ah yes," I said, "the Gopher State. That is a tricky one indeed, but I believe I know the answer. You see, you would assume that a gopher - being a rodent - would naturally take the side of the squirrels in the ongoing conflict of man versus squirrel. But gophers are, in fact, known for their neutrality. Now let's think, where do gophers like to live? That's right, on beaches. Beaches... water... neutrality... neutral bodies of water... Why, yes, our first thought must be the Minnesota Ocean, known for its neutrality. I'm sure many members of our audience today are asking why they've never heard of that particular ocean, so let me explain. You see, the Minnesota Ocean, located directly on the border between the state of Minnesota and our neighbor to the north, Canada, has become somewhat of an obscure secret to the general public. Back in the early days of colonialism, American cartographers assumed the Canadian cartographers would place the landlocked ocean on their maps, and the Canadian cartographers assumed the same about us. Consequently, both countries forgot to include the ocean on their national maps. Eventually, the ocean was altogether forgotten and lingers in neutral obscurity, also having dried up and shrunken into something more along the size of a large lake. But, a large population of gophers still remains there to this day, basking in the sun of those beautiful Minnesota beaches. Thus the state of Minnesota has earned the nickname 'The Gopher State.'"
Parker looked at me, then at his answer card. "That's... that's correct."
The audience cheered wildly, but Quimby shouted, "None of that can possibly be true! I mean, yes, he's right; the answer is Minnesota. But all that other stuff about gophers and secret oceans..."
Parker shrugged his shoulders and gave a glance at the judges offstage. "I'm afraid as long as the contestant's final answer is correct, then it counts."
The crowd applauded some more, and I gave a thumbs-up to my friends in the crowd. Parker took us to a commercial break and that gave us a few minutes of breathing room between rounds. I took a moment to offer a sportsmanly congratulations to the other two competitors for having survived the first round. Mary was so delightfully cheerful, but Quimby scowled at me rather bitterly. He refused to shake my hand.
"Good luck trying that nonsense in round two," he said. "This is my twelfth time on Celebrity Certamen!, and I'm undefeated."
I raised an eyebrow at the fellow, and I vowed to myself that his thirteenth time would not be so fortunate for him. Let the game begin.
#certamen #roundone #gopherfacts #minnesotaocean #markquimby
Round Two
In the minute before the start of round two of Certamen!, I caught up with Mandelbaum and Freddie in the audience.
"Great job on round one!" said Freddie. "You're gonna kick this Quimby guy's ass."
"Language, Freddie," I said, "and I don't think it'll be an easy feat. He may be a big-time Hollywood actor, but don't underestimate him. He's highly intelligent."
The director cut us short, saying we'd be back on in ten seconds, so I rushed back to my podium. As the host Parker Philpot came back on stage and welcomed us to round two, he stated that the difficulty of our trivia questions would be increased. Mary the housewife was the first one up again, and she answered a question about which musical instrument had once been banned under traditional English law. She knew the answer was bagpipes because her daughter, Cindy, had recently taken up the instrument in the school marching band, and the constant squealing around the house was driving her and Bob crazy. She sympathized with British legislators.
Next up was my celebrity rival, Mark Quimby. Parker asked him, "According to the Federal Aviation Administration, when do 80% of all crashes take place?"
Quimby thought for a long moment, and I became very eager that perhaps he was stumped and didn't know the answer, but he said, "When a blimpman is your pilot."
The audience laughed. I gasped; I couldn't believe he would stoop to being so insulting! From the corner of my eye, I spotted Freddie leaping out of his seat, ready to rush the stage, but Mandelbaum restrained the angry boy.
Parker chuckled but clarified, "Airplane crashes, Mr. Quimby."
The actor laughed smugly and gave me a forceful and condescending pat on the back. "I'm only kidding of course. The actual answer is on the runway, during take-offs and landings. Final answer."
He was right of course, yet all I could think about was how incensed I was that he decided to take the low road. He was deliberately trying to get in my head right before my turn, and I knew as much, but even then it didn't stop me from boiling with rage.
Suddenly, I was interrupted from my bitter stewing by a startling commotion of ringing bells, blaring alarms, and flashing lights. I didn't know what on earth was going on. When the noise died down, Parker chimed in, "Well well, ladies and gentlemen, it looks like we have our first physical challenge!" The audience went berserk.
I finally understood what was going on. Having watched the show, I knew they would occasionally throw in some intense obstacles which were designed to challenge both the mind and the body of the contestants. They often involved athletic feats which required dexterous mental ingenuity to overcome. I wasn't expecting to be the first one handed a physical challenge, but I supposed that was the card I was dealt.
I awaited Parker's explanation of the challenge, and he really laid it out thick to maintain suspense with the audience. "Knowledge is man's greatest strength, but only a foolish man would think he knows all. Therefore, for your hubris against the gods, you will be forced to answer for your sins. You have awakened their wrath! And the only way to subdue it, is to prove your worth, by scaling the summit of their heavenly home, MOUNT OOOOOLYMPUS!!!"
He pointed, there was an uproar from the audience, and a thunder sound effect boomed over the speakers. As the lights flashed, a curtain behind me pulled away and revealed the dreaded "Mount Olympus". It was an enormous, thirty-foot prop of rubber and plastic, designed to look like a rocky mountain peak. The dangerous path to the top was capable of disrupting a climber's progress with foam-rock avalanches and confetti-strewn snowstorms. (The whole thing was actually a recycled prop from the old Nickelodeon show GUTS, where it was then known as the "Aggro Crag".) This was one of the most difficult obstacles on the show, as it had a nearly 96% elimination rate with contestants.
The producers fitted me with a Centurion-style helmet and lined me up at the starting line. I was already sweating. Parker held up a lofty hourglass and said, "If you do not make it to the summit in three minutes, your time here on Certamen! will be at an end. Good luck to you! Ready! Go!"
My feet took off faster than I thought possible, and I focused every bit of my attention toward navigating the treacherous rubber rocks around my feet, drowning out the noise of the crowd and the synthetic thunder filling the studio. I took a wrong step on a loose rock and got a mouthful of white glitter blasted into my face from a concealed cannon.
"Watch out for those snowstorms!" shouted Parker.
I made a mental note to watch my footing more carefully and kept on pressing forward. Suddenly, my head was rattled by a heavy blow. I looked up, dazed and concussed, adjusted my helmet, and realized that the task would require me to simultaneously keep my held high and pointed toward the ground - an impossible task indeed.
But what had hit me? I saw a burly, fake-bearded man at the peak of Mount Olympus, wearing a toga and some laurel leaves around his head, and he held a lofty "lightning spear" in his large hands. He hurled the rubber bolt at me with such force, and I only barely managed to dodge this second barrage.
"How dare a mortal approach Mount Olympus!" cried my attacker in a deep and booming voice. "I, Jupiter, king of the gods, will not permit such treason! Take this, you buttmuch!"
He continued to hurl lightning bolts at me while I struggled futilely to rise higher in my climb. The closer I got, the more deadly the assault on my body had become; everywhere I turned were falling rocks, lightning bolts, and blinding lights in my eyes.
As if that weren't enough, Jupiter bellowed, "Mummies! Attack!" and then two other actors leapt out from their hiding places above me, wrapped in bandages and their faces covered by masks.
"Oh come on!" I shouted. "You're not even getting your mythology right!"
The mummies latched onto me and slowed me down, but I was able to shake them. I kept on climbing, higher and higher, my body starting to give out as every last bit of energy was sapped from my limbs. I heard the audience counting down: Five... Four... I leapt over a rockslide zooming below me... Three... a final juke left and out of the path of an incoming lightning bolt... Two... and there it was - the finish line! One--
I lunged forward and slammed my hand down on the buzzer. Confetti shot everywhere, and the Jupiter character let out a most defeated bellow. Fog machines blew streams of smoke all around him, and I could see him disappear into a trap door down below.
...
The round was over, and we were back to another commercial break. "You did it!" cried Freddie as he ran toward me, "You really did it! And only one second to spare! That was amazing!"
I was too out of breath to even say a word, but Mandelbaum propped me up on my feet. The physical challenge had truly drained me. How was I supposed to last another three rounds in this competition? I knew it would take every remaining ounce of strength I could muster.
#exhausted #roundtwo #mountolympus #doyouhaveitGUTS
Round Three
At the beginning of round three, Mark Quimby was selected for a physical challenge. He was working furiously to calculate the answer to a Euclidean geometry problem written on a whiteboard in front of him. He was mumbling numbers to himself and using an ancient-style abacus to attack the intense math problem. The board showed two big circles with two smaller reddish circles in the middle, with measurements and Roman numerals written all over the place. Behind him was a caged tiger, growling and snarling ferociously, and an actor in a satyr costume hopped up and down on his two goat legs, trying to distract Quimby by simultaneously playing a flute and holding a ticking timer above his head.
It was incredibly intense to watch, and even the seasoned champion Quimby was feeling the pressure of the challenge. His wiped the sweat from his brow, and suddenly screamed, "Got it! The answer is 80,085 square units!"
The music halted, the satyr trotted off stage dejectedly, and the caged tiger was wheeled away. Parker said the answer was correct, and over the applause I'm pretty sure I heard Freddie shouting in the crowd, "Hah! 8-0-0-8-5, that spells BOOBS! It spells boobs!"
By this point, all the contestants were dressed in togas, as we had all progressed to the Roman Forum Super Maximus Super Round, whatever that meant. Parker stood before us and said, "We asked our contestants before filming who they trusted enough to bring on the show with them. Let's hope they chose their partners wisely!"
Partners? Ah, I should have known they'd pair us with a partner at some point. "Let's meet their teammates, shall we?" Mary Schuman's partner was her husband, Bob Schuman, who owned his own plumbing company. My partner was, of course, Mandelbaum, and I was lucky to have such an intelligent friend by my side. Plus, if we got strapped with another physical challenge, I knew he'd have no difficulty whatsoever.
Quimby's partner was his Quill & Ink costar, Chet Carper. He came out onto the stage with much fanfare, and I was a little star-struck to see both "Marcellus Quill" and "Ink Cassidy" reunited once again. Chet was like a firecracker, full of rambunctious energy. He came out yelling, really pumping up the audience, and he gave Quimby a high five.
Parker said, "Welcome back, Chet. You ready to help Quimby win another round of Certamen?"
Chet screamed, "Damn straight, Parker!" and then he turned to me and Mandelbaum, screaming, "We will STAB you!"
Quimby held his partner back saying, "Easy, Chet, easy. Remember your breathing techniques."
Chet got it together and took a few deep breaths, calming down. But man, that was terrifying. Now I see how he was able to play the part of machismo-filled Ink Cassidy so naturally.
The partner round kicked off with a series of difficult questions. Mary and Bob were asked, "What mineral is made from fossilized dinosaur poop?" Ah, why couldn't Mandelbaum and I have gotten such an easy question?! I had included that very fact in 365 Daily Dinosaur Facts, so I immediately knew the answer. Mary and Bob whispered to each other, then turned to their microphone and said simultaneously: "Coprolite, Parker."
"That's right!" said Parker. "Bob, you're a plumber. Ever deal with any coprolite stuck in people's pipes?"
Bob coughed and said flatly, "Not recently, Parker."
"Well alright then. For our two celebrity partners, your question is, 'What kind of weapon is a falchion?'"
I wasn't sure of the answer myself, but Mandelbaum told me it was a type of sword. I can always count on him! I was just hoping Quimby and Carper would not come across the answer so easily.
I overheard them whispering, "Wasn't it episode 201 where we found a falchion in the hidden temple of Nefkrit?"
"Yeah, I think so. You used it to kill some attacking drug runners."
"It's a sword, Parker!"
I gritted my teeth angrily as the crowd cheered for them. The two actors gave each other a high five, and Chet Carper mimicked using an invisible falchion to stab at Mandelbaum and me.
The last question came to the two of us - Mandelbaum and me - and Parker asked, "The 18th-century English gardener, Lancelot Brown, was better known by what nickname?"
I panicked. I... I didn't know. I quickly conferred with Mandelbaum, but he just shook his head blankly.
"How could you not know?!" I asked. "Between the two of us, you're the one with the green thumb! I figured you'd know a gardening question. Ugh."
But I knew it wasn't his fault; I had only myself to blame. Surely I knew this answer at one point, right? How could I have forgotten it? Time was ticking down for us and the blank space in my mind refused to fill up with the correct answer. What was I supposed to do? I couldn't just give up...
Suddenly, an idea dawned on me! "Mandelbaum, I need to retreat into my mind basement! Quick, massage me!" He knew exactly what I meant by this seemingly strange request, and he wasted no time grabbing my shoulders with his thick yet dexterous fingers, and he started rubbing me down fervently. I closed my eyes as his firm but gentle massaging hands washed over me like the rolling waves of a peaceful ocean. I inhaled and exhaled slowly, allowing the darkness to fill my mind.
When I awoke, I found myself in a darkened corridor with a set of stairs leading down into a cluttered basement. I immediately recognized this place as the basement of my childhood home. You see, my mother was something of a hoarder back in the day, and she collected everything in our basement, everything from our neglected childhood toys, to worn out Halloween costumes, to broken furniture, to a now priceless library of VHS tapes of 1980s animated classics.
Through intense studies in tantric mediation and mnemonic exercises over the years, I had learned how to recall this location from my childhood as a place where I could store my innermost subconscious thoughts and memories. This was a place where all knowledge, whether known or unknown, could be stored away for some future use. I looked all around the dark basement, wondering where I might find the answer to the trivia question that had been asked.
"Gardening... gardening... Lancelot Brown...," I muttered to myself.
And then I heard the most startling giggle - a child's laughter - coming from behind a stack of cardboard boxes. I jumped in fright, but I quickly mustered my courage. "Come on out of there!" I shouted.
From the boxes came a skinny young lad, no more than ten years old, pointing a Nerf gun at me. "Who are--?" I was about to ask, but the answer was clear to me before I could even finish my words. I knew that this child... was me.
I was stunned to see my younger self here in this mind basement, but I suppose it made sense. I asked him (me), "Where can I find Lancelot Brown's nickname? Is it in here?"
The boy-me chuckled and said, "Oh sure. That answer is definitely in here." Then he pointed to the mounds and mounds of boxes and clutter scattered about. He continued smugly, "You have the capability of finding it yourself." He laughed mockingly at me, shot me in the forehead with a Nerf dart, and ran away.
I scowled at him for being anything but helpful and said, "Now I see why girls didn't like you! Thanks for nothing!"
I was stuck with no more knowledge than I had entered with. I continued to scour through the old boxes, muttering to myself, "I have the capability of finding it... I can find it... capability..."
But as I continued the hunt through boxes of action figures, Parker's voice suddenly entered the basement, and I was hearing him counting down. "Six seconds... five... four..."
No! I'm not ready! I continued to rummage through the never-ending mass of junk, but I couldn't find anything!
I snapped back to reality right as Parker said he needed my final answer and I shouted, "Capability! Lancelot Brown's nickname was Capability Brown!"
"That's correct!" declared Parker.
The crowd went wild, and Mandelbaum and I immediately embraced each other in the most celebratory hug. What an amazing come-from-behind victory! And it was all possible thanks to the hypnotic massaging skills of my greatest friend in the universe, dear Mandelbaum.
#massage #roundthree #quillandink #partners
#mindbasement #capability #80085
Round Four
I was still reeling from the mental toll taken on me by the retreat into the mind basement, and my body was now beginning to ache from the exhausting climb up Mount Olympus in the physical challenge. Luckily, I could see that Quimby was no better off than I, for his physical challenge had taken a toll on him as well. My only hope was that round four might finally turn the game toward my favor.
We had a moment to breathe and recuperate as Mary Schuman finished up her first physical challenge. Drenched from head to toe in green slime, she emerged from a vat that they were calling the "Descent into the Underworld." Despite her short, rotund body, she was surprisingly agile in navigating the tank of slime and successfully found all seven sunken denarii that were hidden inside. She attributed it to her skills as a mom, as surely finding lost items and a bit of slime were nothing new to her.
As her challenge ended, Parker rolled a massive pair of dice, and on each side were pictures of our faces. My face rolled up on one, and Quimby's face was on the other. I wasn't sure what this meant for us, but I assumed it wasn't good.
"It looks like we have our two contestants for the gladiator match!"
Oh great, after all we've been through? Now hand-to-hand combat? Why couldn't we have done this during the partner round when Mandelbaum was by my side?
A huge mock-arena was positioned around the stage, closing Quimby and me inside. The producers wheeled out a cart displaying all sorts of weapons. Quimby was allowed to choose first, and he selected his armaments: a prop sword and a shield. I decided to arm myself with a trident and a net, as I figured the trident would give me a longer reach, and the net would allow me to carry away any of my limbs that might get severed, should I lose.
I turned toward Quimby, ready to face my opponent in combat. "Alright, Quimby, let's see what you've got!"
He turned to me and said, "Don't be daft. We're not fighting each other. We're fighting them."
He pointed, and that's when two enormous men entered the arena. One was wearing a bull's head mask - a Minotaur - and the other was a one-eyed Cyclops. They were actors, of course, but that didn't make them any less terrifying. Quimby and I retreated into a back-to-back defensive position as the two beastly monster-men circled around us. I waved my trident and tossed my net, hoping to snag the Minotaur by the horns, but he was wise to my trick and dodged it.
"You're the champion here," I said desperately to Quimby. "What do we do now?"
"Well, we can either attempt to slay these monsters in combat, or one of us can win if we answer the Emperor's trivia questions."
He pointed to a balcony overhanging the mock arena, and a big man was sitting up there, wearing the purple toga of a Caesar and a set of laurel leaves around his head. (He was clearly the same actor who played Jupiter in the earlier round.)
"I am Caesar Trivius Augustus," he proclaimed in a nasally voice, "the founder of Certamen!" I rolled my eyes at the butchering of history being presented before me, but there was no time to focus on that. He continued, "And I have two trivia questions. If answered correctly, your lives shall be spared. The first goes to you!" He pointed at me, and I gave a salute with my trident. "What song did the Emperor Nero allegedly sing as he watched the city of Rome burn in 64 A.D.?"
I had to think for a moment because the pressure of the incoming monsters was greatly distracting me. "I need an answer!" demanded the Emperor.
"Well," I said, "I'm assuming you're referring the same Nero, the squirrel emperor. Yes, he was indeed the first and last squirrel to rule the empire. He was fascinated with fire, as all squirrels are, and he had no qualms about lighting his beloved capitol on fire." I swung at the roaring Minotaur, finishing my answer. "The legend states that the Ballooniae, the ancient ancestors of the blimpmen, tried to stop him, but Nero blockaded himself away inside his castle, playing his fiddle and singing a song of mockery at the Ballooniae as the city burned around them. I do believe that song was meant to taunt the incoming balloonists, whom he referred to as a 'Sacks of Helium'. But we now know that song by a different name, the Latin translation, known as 'The Sack of Illium.'"
Quimby dodged an attack from the Minotaur and swung his sword in the air. "Oh come on! That's all total nonsense!"
Emperor Trivius Augustus was having a whispered debate with the judges offstage, and they simply shrugged their shoulders. He finally said, "Um, I don't know about all that other stuff. But 'Sack of Illium' is... correct."
The bells rang, and the two monsters suddenly left me alone. I was spared. They both turned their attack toward Quimby, who relentlessly swung his sword at the Cyclops. He shouted to the Emperor, "I am ready for my question!"
"Okay then. If someone's birthday is on the Ides of September, then on what day of the month was he born?"
"Easy," shouted Quimby. "Julius Caesar was assassinated on the Ides of March, which is March 15th. Therefore, the Ides of September is September 15th."
A buzzer shrieked, and the two monsters pounced on top of Quimby. They smothered his body, rubbing his face forcefully into the floor. He looked up at me helplessly, stretching out his hand. "Help... me...!"
But I looked down and said, "I'm sorry Quimby. The answer is September 13th. Don't you remember the old rhyme? 'March, July, October, May, the Ides are on the 15th day.' All other months, the Ides fall on the 13th."
The two monsters latched onto his feet, each grabbing one, and they started to drag him away. He clawed at the ground as they pulled him away on his belly. "No! No, this can't be! I never lose! I'll get you for this, blimpman! I'll get youuuu...!!!" But his scream trailed off as they drug him away into the darkness.
The walls of the mock arena pulled away, revealing the studio audience. Parker Philpot came running to greet me. "Well done! You've survived the gladiator round! Though our former champion was not so lucky. Let's give it up for our contestant!"
The studio audience cheered, but I could barely pay them any attention as I hunched over, hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath. Parker said, "Stay tuned, ladies and gentlemen, for our final round to see who will take home the title of champion of Certamen! And now, a special message brought to you by Playtex."
As the cameras cut away from us, I could hear the pre-recorded commercial airing over the monitors: "Introducing Playteximus, keeping you at your freshest during gladiatorial combat..."
But I started to zone out as exhaustion crept up on me. The world around me began to swirl. The lights overhead were a dizzying vivid neon blob, and suddenly, I saw the ground coming rapidly closer, and all went black...
#roundfour #gladiators #novictoryforquimby
#sackofillium #ballooniae #playteximus
Round Five
When I awoke, Mandelbaum, Freddie, Parker Philpot, and a few producers were huddled over me. They explained that I had fainted, no doubt from my exhausting gladiatorial battle. They were debating whether they should disqualify me from the show because I was unable to go on, which would therefore eliminate me from the match, but I quickly shot to my feet and adamantly demanded to continue onward with the competition. With Mark Quimby eliminated, I knew the championship was mine for the taking.
The producers were unsure, but Freddie said, "Give the guy a chance, you chumps! He answered every question you threw at him, climbed Mount Olympus, and fought off monsters in the arena. What's one more round of trivia gonna do, huh?"
I was thankful to have the lad's support; I did not take it lightly. Parker nodded to the producers and gave the go-ahead.
"Alright, that's more like it!" said Freddie as he and Mandelbaum helped me to my feet. "Now get out there and win this final round! There's no way that mom will beat a blimpman like you. You're about to be the new champion!"
I must admit, the kid gave a good pep talk. I already felt some amount of energy returning to me.
The cameras came back up, and Parker kicked off the final round. "Now, the moment you have all been waiting for... the final championship round!"
By now, I figured the audience would have grown weary with the show, but I can assure you that there was nothing more exciting and entertaining to them than this. I had imagined this moment since the day I signed onto the show, ready to challenge myself in the final test. What surprised me most was that it was not the sheer moment of terror I had always pictured; instead, I felt a mix of confidence and nervous energy. There was no fear, for by now, I knew I could face any challenge that would come my way.
"Before we go on to the final question," said Parker, "let's take a look at what our winner will receive! Back to showcase our grand prize is our celebrity guest."
For this, they brought back Mark Quimby, who looked extremely bitter and defeated. He wouldn't even make eye contact with me. Right next to him was his costar, Chet Carper, and the two of them were holding a giant oversized check for $25,000. Mary Schuman hopped up and down in excitement, clapping her hands and screaming, and even I was mesmerized by that delightful prize.
Quimby rolled his eyes and grumbled under his breath, "The winner of today's Certamen will win $25,000. Good luck... or whatever." And then he threw the check onto the ground.
The audience gasped at the unsportsmanlike temper tantrum, but right then, I think I noticed something that no one else did... While all eyes were on the check, I saw Quimby look back at his partner. He nodded subtly, and Chet Carper sneakily reached over onto the host's podium. While Parker was picking up the check, Chet slyly switched out the card that was on the podium for a different one.
Freddie must have spotted it too because I heard him shout, "HEY!"
But for some reason, which I still can't explain even to this day, I shot out a hand, signaling for Freddie to stop. Freddie sat back down in his seat, confused. I don't know why I did that. I could have easily reported what I saw, informing the judges of Quimby's sneaky cheat. But for some reason, I didn't. Maybe it was my overconfidence, my pride. Maybe I felt that even if he had given me a more challenging question than what was there before, I wouldn't let that stop me. I would accept this final trivia question, no matter how hard it was, and I would answer it.
Parker, none the wiser, picked up the check and tried his best to continue on with the show. "Actors. Drama queens, am I right? Anyway, let's get on with our final trivia question. This one goes to you."
Then he picked up the card that Chet Carper had placed on his podium. I could tell he was reading it to himself before he read it aloud, and he gave the card a funny, confused look. He cleared his throat and read it aloud for me to hear. "Which automotive tire and rubber company is known for its iconic blimp?"
I paused. What? Seriously? A blimp question? That one was so easy! Of course I knew the answer right away - it was Goodyear! Everyone in the world knew that, even those plebeian automobile drivers! It was the single most iconic blimp in the entire world! But then it dawned on me just how dastardly Quimby had been, how ingenious his plot was.
I made eye contact with him standing backstage, and he was smiling at me with the most sinister grin. He hadn't switched out the question for a more challenging one; he wanted it to be easy for me! Too easy! And somehow, he knew I'd see the switch and that my sense of pride would have allowed it. He didn't care if I answered right or wrong, he just wanted to test my honor. Would I answer the question correctly and claim the prize? Would I walk away knowing that a cheat had been made in my favor? He knew that every dollar I spent of that grand prize would be a constant reminder of the secret sin I had committed. And if I answered it wrong, then of course I'd fail. It was a lose-lose situation in every sense.
"We need an answer," said Parker.
I knew what I had to do. I stood up straight, adjusted my toga, and said, "I... I don't know. I'm sorry."
Parker was stunned. "Really? Don't even want to take a guess? Blimp question? No?"
I just shook my head, and Parker rolled his eyes and threw the card over his shoulder.
I spotted Quimby scowling at me, and even though I knew I had lost the prize, I did achieve some amount of satisfaction from truly defeating him one more time. My honor would remain intact. I may not have won, but I made the choice that stung him most.
The question, therefore, went to Mary Schuman. I waited patiently for her to answer the question, and I was ready to congratulate her on her win. But surprisingly, she just stood there, glancing frantically toward her husband in the studio audience. She was nervously sweating.
"Um...," she said. Then she stalled.
I did a double take. I couldn't believe it - she didn't know the answer.
"I... um... is it... Rubberstone? Firewell?"
Seriously, lady? How could you not know?!
Parker said firmly, "One second remaining! We need a final answer!"
And Mary shouted, "GOODYEAR!"
I gave a sigh of relief for her, and the audience went nuts. Bells and sirens rang, and confetti shot into the air. A pair of armed Centurions came out and lifted Mary into the air. Her husband Bob trotted onto stage, and she gave him a tearfully joyous (and grossly tongue-heavy) smooch on the mouth. I really was happy for her as she waved that giant check in the air.
Parker turned to the camera and thanked the audience for tuning in to another exciting round of Certamen!, and I clapped for the lucky winner as the music played us out.
...
After the show, Parker Philpot walked by and shook his head at me. "Seriously, man?" And then he kept on walking, still shaking his head in disbelief.
I never saw Quimby after that, but I was glad for it. I had had enough satisfaction to last me a lifetime, and I didn't need another negative encounter with him to affirm it.
Mandelbaum and Freddie met up with me, and the boy asked, "I don't get it. Why did you let Quimby switch the cards? And why didn't you answer the final question? It was so easy."
I gave the boy an affectionate pat on the shoulder. "The final test was never a trivia question, Freddie. It was a test of the heart. And I passed with flying colors. I'm proud to say I walk away as a true champion of the marvelous game of Certamen!"
#theend #roundfive #champion #buygoodyear
#finaltest #certamen
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