No. 5
The Lost Island of Roarnesia
The Lost Island of Roarnesia
Monday
Dino Fact #21: Did you know the Epidexipteryx was the smallest dinosaur? It was a miniscule 10 inches long and weighed only 5.8 ounces! Now THAT'S a Dino Fact!
If you were wondering where I've been for the past three weeks, I've actually been flying across the Pacific Ocean to the island of Roarnesia. You may be asking yourself, "Where is Roarnesia? I've never heard of that or seen it on any maps." And you'd be correct to second-guess your own shoddy knowledge of cartography. You see, Roarnesia has been an uncharted, untouched paradise since before the dawn of man. It is, in fact, home to hundreds of supposedly "extinct" species of flora and fauna, including over nineteen species of those formidable lizards known as DINOSAURS.
Yes, you are reading that correctly! The island has been kept a secret for generations and has been the real-life inspiration for numerous works of fiction, including classics like Arthur Conan Doyle's The Lost World, Edgar Rice Burrough's The Land that Time Forgot, James Gurney's Dinotopia, and Bill Murray's Jurassic Park. Massive government efforts have gone into the preservation of this secret island. The honor of receiving a private invitation to visit there was not lost on me. Only a handful of humans have ever seen the wonders of the lost island. I must admit I was consumed with excitement! (Plus, the whole way there was I thinking how sick it would be to ride a Pteranodon!)
Mandelbaum took charge of the navigation, and I could see the beautiful volcanic island on the horizon. It was actually Giorgio Dirigibili, the Italian professor and my fellow blimpman, who asked Mandelbaum to come along on this journey with me. I wasn't sure why he'd need Mandelbaum present, but I was, of course, happy to have his company.
When we landed on the beach, I quickly spotted Dirigibili's purple blimp parked a few clicks away. We met up with him in the jungle. The Professor said, "You've made it just in time, gentlemen. The others are already ahead of us."
"Others?" I asked. "I thought you and I were the only blimpmen who received the invitation."
"You are," said a soft voice from behind us. Tucked in the treeline was another human, one I had not noticed before. "Good afternoon, gentlemen. My name is Roarman Roarsenroar, or you may refer to me by my human name, Phil. I'm the only human who lives on the island and I've been asked to lead you to the meeting place with the others. You will find that you are not the only visitors from the outside world who were invited here, as I do believe the Professor was about to say."
We didn't waste any time in gathering our things and following the odd, grey-bearded, treebark-and-leaf-clad fellow into the jungle. He wasn't one for conversation, and it made me wonder just how long he'd been without human contact (and a bath).
We trekked for a while in silence, and I was incredibly anxious to see one of these famed dinosaurs I'd heard so much about, but there wasn't a single one to be found. I was beginning to think we'd fallen for some elaborate hoax.
About an hour later, we arrived at a clearing in the jungle, somewhere in the center of the island. A series of stones, clearly arranged by some ancient architect, had been laid out in a primitive Stonehenge-like temple. I was shocked to see who these "others" were that Roarman had mentioned. Apparently, we were the last to arrive, and pocketed around the circular temple were three other groups.
To our left were representatives of the Submariners Legion, sworn enemies of the Blimping Corps. I recognized one of them as the vicious dwarf who'd waylaid us in the past: Captain Zanzibar. His face was still badly mangled from the injuries I'd helped cause, and I cringed at his gruesome disfigurement. He saw Mandelbaum and me walking up and he pulled a tiny scimitar out from his scabbard.
"You're dead, blimp-meat!"
But a much larger hand jetted out and held him back. The restraining hand belonged to another pirate I hadn't met before. He was as massive as Zanzibar was short, wearing a large red buccaneer's hat and possessing a nasty scar running down the entire length of his grey-bearded face.
"Not today, Captain Zanzibar," growled this vicious pirate through his crooked silver teeth. "The truce won't permit the bloodshed of blimpmen, no matter how deservin' they are."
The Professor leaned over and said this new antagonist was named Admiral Archibeque, and he was the dreaded leader of the Submariners Legion.
Across from us was the second group, led by a famous amusement park tycoon from South Africa named Burgess Van der Muir, who ran all sorts of family-fun safaris on the continent. With him was his business partner - wait, it was Walt Disney's Zombie!
"Walt Zombney," I shouted, "what are you doing with him? You're part of the Blimping Corps!"
Walt Zombney grumbled something, and Roarman Roarsenroar chimed in, "Today he represents the Theme Park Partnership."
And the last group, to our right, was the most fearsome of the groups: it was King Chipchomp III and his delegation of squirrels from the squirrel kingdom of Squercia. They squeaked at each other and at us in the most evil way. No wonder the Professor had asked Mandelbaum to come; no doubt, he was to be our "muscle" while in the presence of this most sinister group of villains.
Lastly, we - Mandelbaum, the Professor, and I - made up the fourth group: the Blimping Corps. I was highly concerned that some sort of battle royale was about to take place between the four groups, as I neglected to wear my fighting shoes, but Roarman reassured us that we were all standing on sacred grounds. There would be no bloodshed while we were on Roarnesia, as each group had sworn a solemn vow of truce. Anyone who might break the truce would be trampled into a fine, bloody powder of bone and flesh by the great and powerful chief of the island, Chief Roar'rok.
And that's when I finally caught sight of my first dinosaur as a thunderous TRICERATOPS came bounding into the temple! The ground shook with each mighty step that carried his twelve-ton body. Roarman bowed low as Chief Roar'rok entered the circle, and we followed suit, but the chief didn't even notice our presence. Why would he? We were but tiny squirrels (and actual squirrels) compared to his massive, behemoth stature. The Chief seemed to ignore us and started chomping noisily on a bit of ferns growing near the stones.
Roarman exclaimed, "Chief Roar'rok has declared that the four groups present today - submariners, squirrels, theme park enthusiasts, and blimpmen - shall be invited to stay on the island and showcase their commitment to peace and unity. After a series of trials, the group that is deemed most worthy, shall receive a one-sixteenth piece of the island to call their own."
We all exchanged eager looks with each other. Was it true? Each group had a shot at owning a piece of this priceless paradise? How amazing!
Roarman continued, "We do have to pay a bit of tax in order to keep this island a secret, after all, so renting this place out to you guys is the best way we know how. The trials begin tomorrow. Good luck to you!"
Roarman and the Chief departed together, and that left the four groups to digest the news we'd just heard.
"So it's true, then," said Admiral Archibeque, "the Roarnesians plan to give away some of their land. It'll be the perfect new Pacific headquarters for the Submariners Legion, says I!"
The pirates cheered, and Zanzibar shot me the middle finger.
Burgess Van der Muir tugged at his khaki vest and shouted proudly, "Not if I have anything to say about that! This place is a ripe location for a theme park! I can picture it now - my own real-life Jurassic Park!"
Walt Zombney grumbled an agreement.
King Chipchomp and the squirrels squawked furiously, scampering about the place like a fuzzy wildfire, each of them shouting something about "world domination."
That left us - the blimpmen. Professor Dirigibili leaned over to me and said, "This will be a prime location for the new Blimping Academy. I'll need your help in proving our cause the best."
I agreed that we stood the best chances, but competing with these nasty backstabbers all around us was bound to be a challenge. The Professor, Mandelbaum, and I retreated back to my blimp to discuss the first stages of our plan. In the meantime, I have grown nervous about what the first "trial" for Roarnesia may be. I suppose we will find out soon.
#roarnesia #lostisland #DINOSAURS
#thegameison #blimpmenftw #dinofacts
Tuesday
Dino Fact #36: You know all those pictures and movies where a T-Rex is fighting a Stegosaurus? Total crock! The T-Rex and Stegosaurus lived farther apart from each other in the timeline than the T-Rex and humans do. True story. In other words, we had a better chance of running into a T-Rex than a Stegosaurus did. Now THAT'S a Dino Fact!
The natural beauty of this island is absolutely stunning. I awoke early, admiring a flock of Pteranodons as they flew around the island. I wondered what it would be like to soar through the air on the back of one of those majestic creatures and also just exactly how to pronounce their name. I barely slept last night due to the combination of unidentifiable prehistoric noises coming from the jungle, the worried feeling of knowing submariners and squirrels were nearby, and my nervousness about the first trial.
The Professor, Mandelbaum, and I agreed that the best course of action for our three-man team was to work together in whatever obstacle comes our way.
"We really need to win," said the Professor. "My university's blimp studies program has been in decline for years. Winning some land on this island will give us the perfect opportunity to create our own Blimping Academy here! Can you imagine how many esteemed new blimpmen we'd attract with such an exotic locale?!"
I concurred with his sentiment.
A few hours after dawn, we heard the blast of a horn deep within the jungle. We packed our gear and followed the summons. Again, we were the last group to arrive. (I made a note that we must work on punctuality if we're to win this competition.) The other groups - submariners, squirrels, and theme park enthusiasts - were waiting impatiently.
Roarman Roarsenroar, the human delegate to the dinosaur tribe and our interpreter, stood before us and said, "Welcome to the first trial. As you know, Roarnesia is the home to magnificent creatures from a forgotten era. They have thrived together in a peaceful utopia without interference from the outside world. But there has always been one group of dinosaurs who failed to uphold the principles that Roarnesians hold so dear: the Tyrannosaurus Rexes."
There were a few gasps from the groups and from me. As an amateur dinosaur enthusiast myself, I knew all about these "tyrant kings" and their infamous ferocity.
Roarman continued, "There are four such creatures here on the island. One for each group. They're kind of jerks, as they formed their own gang and like to harass smaller dinosaurs. It's your job to get them to conform to the peace-loving ways of our community and bring them here. Good luck!"
With that, Roarman blew his horn once again and trotted off. This left us alone with the other groups.
"Zanzibar!" shouted Admiral Archibeque of the submariners. "What exactly is a 'Tyrannosaurus Rex?'"
"It's a dinosaur, Admiral. Big and fierce, loves to kill."
"Ah, I like the sound of that already. May the best team win," said Admiral Archibeque.
"Don't worry, we will," replied Burgess Van der Muir with a cocky tip of his safari hat. "I can already see it now: Burgess Van der Muir and Walt Zombney present, 'Dinowood Studios!'"
Zombney moaned something about how his name should come first, and Van der Muir called him an idiot.
King Chipchomp of the squirrels fluffed up his bushy tail angrily. "We'll be the first to find one of these Tyrannosaurs, since we know the forests better than any of you skinbags. You don't stand a chance!" He squawked, and his platoon of Squercian squirrels dashed off into the jungle.
I was worried that the King was right. If we were going to find a Tyrannosaur first, we had to get moving. Mandelbaum led our search party into the jungle. A few hours into the trek, we had seen all sorts of fantastic creatures, such as feathery Archaeopteryges and sunbathing Dimetrodons, but no sign of our quarry other than a few truck-sized footprints in the ground. We heard commotion from distant places in the jungle, no doubt our rivals stirring up trouble; I only hoped they had not managed to woo a Tyrannosaur before we had.
It was around dusk when we finally caught sight of one of the fearsome creatures. This particular Tyrannosaurus Rex was a colossal twenty tons of sinew and muscle. With every sway of his bulky head, I could perfectly glimpse his razor sharp fangs covering every inch of his still blood-stained maw. I've seen vicious predators in my travels, but I assure you nothing has stricken me with such fearful anxiety as seeing this unstoppable beast just yards away from me. He was all alone, marching through the forest, knocking over trees as if they were nothing but weeds! We were startled when Roarman appeared behind us.
"This one's name is Roario," he said.
We jumped at his presence, and I asked, "Surely you're not allowed to assist us in this trial, Roarman?"
"No," he replied, "I simply came to give you an update. The others have made contact with their Tyrannosaurs, but no one has been able to convince one to join our side - yet. You still have a chance. This one here - Roario - he's the meanest of them all. He once ate my father."
"Roarman, that's awful!" I exclaimed.
Roarman replied flatly, "Yes, but it was a noble death. It is an ambassador's dream to be eaten alive by these majestic creatures, especially on the day of your child's birth."
I gasped, "He ate your father on the day you were born?"
"Yes," said Roarman, "but all is well because my mother was able to raise me. That is, until she was stomped to death by Roario a few years later."
"Cheese and crepes, Roarman, you're really bringing us down here."
"My apologies," he said. "I shall leave you to your task. But you've got your work cut out for you. Good luck!"
Roarman scurried off, and that left the three of us wondering just how to approach this terrifying Roario. He surely wouldn't take kindly to a bunch of tiny strangers telling him what to do.
"Any ideas?" asked the Professor.
I shook my head and stared at the menacing Roario for a long time, hoping to find some sign of humanity in the tremendous beast. It just looked so impossible. How were we to reason with this vicious killer? One wrong word and he could impale us with rows of razor-sharp incisors, or stomp us with dagger-clawed feet, or smack us in the mouth with those tiny... well, the tiny hands weren't really a problem. Actually, they looked pretty silly. I mean really? You're the most deadly creature in the history of the earth and you've got these two little weenie-fingers on a pair of stubby little arms? ... Then suddenly, an idea struck me! I told Mandelbaum to retrieve his machete and start hacking at one of the fallen trees nearby.
...
Two hours later, we were back at the meeting place. Roarman was there awaiting our return. I could tell by his expression that he was stunned to see our Tyrannosaurus Rex, Roario, following obediently behind us.
"Wha-- how?" he said dumbly.
I patted the awestruck fellow on the back as we marveled at our friendly new pet and said, "You see, all it took was a few kind words with old Roario.He just wanted someone to listen. It turns out that all he really wanted was for people to stop making fun of his...," and then I whispered so the creature wouldn't hear, "...stubby little arms. I think it really ruined his gang's street cred as a big, tough predators."
And that's when I pointed to Roario's new set of arms. You see, I had Mandelbaum cut apart a few tree trunks, and thanks to Professor Dirigibili's engineering prowess, we were able to work together to make some synthetic "arms" for Roario. The dinosaur waved around his wooden tree-trunk arms happily, mouth open wide in some sort of reptilian smile, and he strutted around proudly like he was the most dynamic dino this island had ever seen. It really was heartwarming.
"Well done," said Roarman. "Van der Muir and Walt Disney's Zombie were able to win the favor of their dinosaur with a well-performed puppet show."
We looked over and saw Burgess and Zombney playing with a set of hand-puppets; their amused Tyrannosaur stomped up and down joyfully.
"And the Submariners Legion got their Tyrannosaur drunk on squid liquor and made him part of the crew."
We looked over and Captain Zanzibar was riding on the back of a wobbly Tyrannosaur like it was some sort of rodeo bull, while Archibeque and the other pirates shot their guns into the air, cheering.
Roarman looked around. "But hmm... I don't see the squirrels anywhere."
And that's when all hell broke loose. With a mighty CRASH, the fourth Tyrannosaurus Rex came bursting into the clearing. Trees and rocks went flying in every direction as he bounded heavily, quaking the earth with each thunderous stomp. Everyone went running in separate directions, and that's when Mandelbaum and I noticed what was happening. On the back of the charging Tyrannosaur was King Chipchomp and his entire squirrel platoon.
They cheeped out a venomous war cry, and the King cried out, "BEHOLD OUR MIGHTY STEED! We have named him Skroarrel, and with his might we shall conquer this island - AND ALL THE WORLD! HA! HA! HA!"
Roarman rolled his eyes and said, "Well the squirrels are definitely disqualified."
A violent skirmish rang out for the next few minutes - pirates were stomped, squirrels were shot, and others fled into the forest. At one point, Mandelbaum even mounted the raging Tyrannosaurus, single-handedly knocked all the squirrels to the ground, tamed the wild dinosaur, and rode him away into the jungle. (As he rode past me, I could tell by the smirk on his face that he'd just checked an item off his bucket list.)
Thus passed the first trial. We're still in the standings, for now. I'm eager to see what the second trial has in store for us.
#success #thefirsttrial #dinoarms #roario
#justmisunderstood #skroarrel #mandelbaumridesagain
Wednesday
Dino Facts #58-60: The smartest dinosaur was the Troodon (but only about as smart as a possum), the dumbest was the Stegosaurus (brain the size of a walnut), and fossilized dino poop is called coprolite (the biggest one found was a whopping 17 inches long and 6 inches in girth). Now THAT's back-to-back Dino Facts! You can't even handle it!
We heard Roarman's horn at first light; it seemed we would be wasting no time in starting the second trial. I was feeling greatly inspired after our success in the first trial, but I also worried about the fierce competition. Although the squirrels were out of the game, I hadn't expected the Submariners Legion and the Theme Park Partnership to have performed so well in the first trial. I would surely hate to see the Roarnesians' land go to these other groups, so I was inspired to do even better in today's trial, whatever that might bring.
Roarman and the great Triceratops, Chief Roar'rok, were waiting for us in the meeting place. All the groups arrived simultaneously. (Our punctuality has gotten better. Check.) As the Chief grazed on some long grasses, chewing obnoxiously loud for my liking, Roarman said, "In the first trial you showcased your commitment to peace and unity by taming the wild Tyrannosaurs. It is the Chief's wishes that today you prove your nurturing spirit. If you are to own a piece of our island, you must show that you can tend to its natural needs. Ah, there she is now..."
We turned to see who this "she" was that he was talking about, and through the treeline there strode the longest creature I'd ever seen - from head to toe nearly 75 feet in length! Her tailed swayed magnificently behind her, but it was her long, outstretched, gorgeous neck that amazed me most. She rather ignored us and started snacking on the highest branches of a nearby tree.
Roarman said, "Here on the island, there are few so deserving of respect as our 'mother lizard', the Apatosaurus. Since today is actually Roarnesian Mother's Day--" and then Roarman paused a second, kissed his finger, and pointed to the heavens. I noticed the slight whimper in his voice and I remembered sadly how his mother was trampled by a dinosaur.
"Will you get on with it, you ninny?" groaned the pirate Archibeque.
"My apologies," said Roarman. "As I was saying, we want to treat Auroara with a lovely gift for Mother's Day. She'll be enjoying a bit of a spa day in the mud pits and some much-needed time with the girls. You, however, will need to watch over her nest in her absence."
There was much grumbling between the groups, and even I was not keen on the idea of playing nursemaid on this adventure.
"She has three eggs that are due to hatch any moment now. One for each team. Your job is simply to watch over them, protect them, and keep them warm. The group whose egg hatches last will be eliminated from the competition. Good luck!"
I was getting tired of Roarman's casual wishing of luck, but he paid no heed and strode off with the two dinosaurs. A few minutes later, the rest of us located Auroara's nest in the woods nearby. As stated, there were three large beige eggs sitting in the nest. Each group took a few minutes to strategize on how best to watch over them.
The Professor said we needed someone to keep our egg warm, as they hatch best in such conditions. I stated that Mandelbaum would be the best candidate, as he was closest in size to a dinosaur, and also his firm yet supple hindquarters most resembled those of a healthy dinosaur. He wasn't thrilled with the idea, but he took a squat on our egg, shifting his weight a little bit to get comfortable.
Meanwhile, the submariners were arguing about who should sit on their egg.
"I'm not doing it!" shouted Captain Zanzibar.
Admiral Archibeque retorted, "I gave you an order, Captain! Now get your tiny mangled butt onto that egg before I have you flayed and fed to one of these godforsaken dragons!"
Captain Zanzibar was so short he could barely even get on top of the egg. He and it wobbled all over the place.
"Quit your wobbling, you confounded midget, and find your sea legs!"
"I will smash this egg on your face if you don't shut it!" shouted Zanzibar.
I was pleased to see the discord in their group, and I thought to myself how much it benefited our team's chances.
Across from us, the Theme Park Partnership wasn't doing much better. Walt Disney's Zombie was taking the first watch over their egg, but Burgess Van der Muir was complaining that "Your cold, dead body isn't warming up the egg at all, Zombney! Let me have a go at it."
They switched places, and I admit I had some fun taunting them a bit.
"Poor Zombney, looks like you should have stayed with the blimpmen for this competition. We're not having any trouble keeping our egg nice and toasty."
"That's because you blimpmen pride yourselves on being full of hot air," retorted Burgess, and everyone on the other teams laughed.
I was embarrassed by his well-timed zing. I tried to come up with a witty retort... something... something about eggs and farts and... damn... I lost it. If I said it now I'd just look like a tool. By then, he'd moved on to another conversation, not really talking to anyone in particular.
"I don't even know why we're bothering with this," he said as he inspected the egg beneath his legs. "I mean, if we just stole these eggs and took them back home with us, we could create our own dinosaur-themed amusement park back home. There'd be no point in dragging customers all the way out here to a mosquito-infested wastehole."
"Your farts come from a wastehole and it smells like an egg!" I snapped.
Everyone just looked at me. It was awkward.
Professor Dirigibili broke the silence. "Your greed will be your downfall, Burgess. As it is with us all."
But Van der Muir just scoffed, and Zombney moaned something about "Mickeeyyy."
Hours and hours passed and still none of the eggs had hatched. I originally thought we stood a decent chance, but the pirates were showing that their large team could easily handle rotations, switching egg-sitting duties whenever one person would get tired. At this rate, they would outlast our three-man team easily. Even the ever-indefatigable Mandelbaum was growing uncomfortable with his long sit on the egg, and his thighs were aching, but he refused to quit.
As night fell, to our fortune a quarrel broke out in the nest. "If you don't squeeze those tiny dwarfen buttcheeks tighter," screamed Archibeque to Zanzibar, who was now back on egg-sitting duty, "then I swear I will grab you by the neck and use your head to hammer that blasted egg open myself!"
"I'm squeezing as tight as I can, Admiral! If you don't like it, then come over here and do it with your own fat arse!"
The Admiral stormed over to Zanzibar and slugged him across the head. The tiny captain went rolling across the nest and tumbled straight into Burgess and Zombney's egg.
"Hey watch it!"
And then for the next few minutes a ruckus broke out in the nest. I was glad to stay out of it, but with all the shoving back and forth, someone eventually bumped into me. I was about to return a volley when suddenly a cracking sound got everyone's attention. We all froze.
Whose egg was it? We glanced around the nest, and that's when we all saw Mandelbaum with his eyes wide open.
I yelled, "Ours is hatching!"
We quickly scurried to our egg and watched as the baby Apatosaurus (I've decided to name him Mandelbaum Junior, by the way) squeezed his oozy little body neck-first out of his shell. It was a glorious wonder of nature to behold, one of the most beautiful and uplifting things any of us had ever seen, and the words for such a beautiful sight escaped me.
"Suck itttt, chumps!" I shouted to the other teams, and then we took off running with baby M.J. back to the meeting place.
A while later we were back with Roarman and the Chief. We said our farewells to Mandelbaum Junior, who was now walking on his own four legs. He was able to trot off with his much larger mother. It was a beautiful sight, and on Roarnesian Mother's Day no less. (Mandelbaum wiped at his eye, but he said it was only a tear caused by dust and that the dust was caused by the deep emotional resonance of seeing nature take its course.)
Our sensitive reflection was interrupted by a commotion from the jungle behind us, and coming up with another baby Apatosaurus were Burgess Van der Muir and Zombney.
"Hah!" I exclaimed rather happily, "so the submariners are eliminated!"
"You hold it right there, thief!"
It was Archibeque and the other submariners racing up behind them. He continued, "Our egg hatched before theirs! We got caught up in an argument about who would carry the placenta-covered devil, and it wasn't 'til later when we noticed they had run off with it!"
Burgess was appalled at the accusation. "That's not true! We never! Our egg hatched and we have proof of that in our hands!"
Roarman, however, caught sight of something and reached into Burgess' pack and pulled out... AN EGG! A fully formed, unhatched dinosaur egg. Zombney laughed and playfully clapped his hands. "Mickeeyyyy!"
But Burgess was, by all appearances, completely shocked at this unfavorable turn of events for him. He stuttered, "But we-- I-- how?"
Roarman cut him off saying, "So you were going to steal an egg? Your greed has no place here on Roarnesia. The Theme Park Partnership is hereby disqualified."
With that, the second trial ended. This leaves only the submariners and blimpmen, sworn rivals, as the final two teams. The night ended as our team made our way back to my blimp. I couldn't help but wonder if all that happened tonight was above board, or if someone had pulled a bit of funny business back there. I told Mandelbaum and the Professor to go ahead without me, that I needed to look into a small matter before I retired back to the comfort of the Eurydice. They were confused but let me go.
I traveled a good while longer into the night until I came to another beach on the island. It was here that the submariners had made their camp. I made sure to stay quiet by hiding behind a mass of ferns, using my natural skill of sneakery to stay undetected. It was from my concealment that I could overhear their conversation as they drunkenly celebrated on the beach.
Captain Zanzibar raised a toast of squid liquor, "To Admiral Archibeque, for his ingenious plan!"
Everyone laughed and cheered, and I looked on inquisitively.
Archibeque boasted, "Aye! I knew those stupid Roarnesians would fall for it, us plantin' that egg on old Burgess. We may not know much about hatchin' eggs and being motherly, but we sure as hell know how to rig a trap!"
The applause was tremendous. I couldn't believe my ears, and yet none of it was really hard to believe. But apparently that wasn't all...
"And tomorrow," he said, "we'll finally do away with those infernal blimpmen, and Roarnesia will be ours!"
As the raucous party raged on and the pirates shot their pistols into the sky, I snuck away silently into the darkness.
#thesecondtrial #cheaters #mandelbaumjunior
#happyroarnesianmothersday #eggsitting
Thursday
Dino Fact #73: I hate to admit it, but dinosaurs get too much credit. Before the dinosaurs, synapsids were the dominant land animals. Synapsids ruled the land for 50 million years and died out in an extinction event that killed 96% of all life on earth! Why does no one care about the poor synapsids?! Stop trying to cover up history! CONSPIRACY! Now THAT'S a Dino(/Synapsid) Fact!
Let the third and final trial begin! Mandelbaum, the Professor, and I were rallying and pumping each other up all morning with majestic chest bumps, noogies, and some secret society fight songs. Never had I been so prepared to tackle a challenge. We knew the Roarnesians' third trial would be the most testing, especially since our arch rivals - the submariners - were our competition, but that didn't stop us from basking in the enthusiastic spirit of competition.
We met up with the opposing team, and I was pleased to see that they seemed to be nursing a hangover from the festivities of last night. Admiral Archibeque rubbed his temple and scolded his men for their overly loud "mouth breathing."
Roarman gathered us on a beach, where the island's river was flowing into the ocean through a marshy delta, and he was quick to get us started with the challenge: "The great Chief Roar'rok has decreed that the winner of the final trial will be the undisputed recipient of a coveted one-sixteenth piece of our island. It is his wish that the final trial be a race."
I was extremely thrilled by this prospect, as I knew our team was capable in a race. Mandelbaum is, as we know, extremely fit; the Professor makes it a habit to tone his body through aerobic jazzercise; and I have a wicked, obsessive-compulsive need for speed. A race was right up our alley.
"You have proven that you are all creatures of the land, what with your two legs, your taming of wild beasts, and your ability to tend to the nest of a dinosaur. But you must also prove that you are creatures of the sky. And creatures of the sea."
My teammates and I were even more thrilled now; blimpmen were indeed creatures of the sky, so any challenge in that arena was a guaranteed win. The submariners shared the shame affirmation, however, being committed to the seas.
"But don't get too comfortable yet," added Roarman, "because you're not getting off that easy. The Chief demands that you, blimpmen, become creatures of the sea. And submariners, you must learn to live in the sky."
And now I wasn't so sure about this whole trial. Plus, it was really getting on my nerves that Roarman was so quick to point out the "Chief's" opinions in all this; where was that old Triceratops anyway?
"You mean we must... swap?" asked Professor Dirigibili.
"Indeed," said Roarman. "At the heart of Roarnesia there is a giant rock pile, known as the Great Rubble Heap. The winner of the race will be the first team to reach the Great Rubble Heap. Here's the catch: blimpmen, you must travel via the river, on the back of this Plesiosaurus."
We looked and sure enough in the waters there was a long-necked Plesiosaurus, barely paying us any attention, but waiting for us. His bulbous body seemed to float directly on top of the water, causing a little rubbery-skinned hill where his fishy little clawless fins protruded out to the side. I honestly had no idea how the three of us were supposed to ride that aquatic creature to the center of the island, let alone mount it.
"And submariners, you will be flying, on the back of a Pteranodon."
At that very second there was a majestic screech in the air above us, and an avian figure flew over us, casting a shadow on the earth below. I looked up and saw one of those amazing Pteranodons that I had longed to ride since our arrival here. I was so jealous of those submariners! The Pteranodon landed near us and let out a magnificent cry. It flapped its long membranous wings with such ferocious strength that piles of sand kicked up and blasted against our faces. While my team and I admired this amazing champion of the air, the submariners did not appreciate its beauty - backing away in fear and even drawing their weapons.
Little Captain Zanzibar exclaimed angrily, "I'll be damned if you get me on the back of that monster!"
Roarman said that they would forfeit then, should no one accept the challenge, but Archibeque said he wouldn't let the blimpmen win that easily. "Don't listen to him. I'm the commander of this fleet, and I says if anyone's gettin' to that rubble heap first, it's the submariners. Now get on that beast's back, Captain Zanzibar, or I'll give that creature a nice bite-sized snack to sway him onto our side."
Roarman chimed in, "Well, you guys get the point, right? First one to the Heap wins. You better get moving. And as always, good luck!"
Both teams stood around for another thirty minutes discussing strategy. The pirates continued to argue over who would and who wouldn't ride the Pteranodon and how such a feat were even possible. Meanwhile, we were very uncertain about mounting our Plesiosaurus friend in the water. Every time Mandelbaum got close to him, he'd duck his head beneath the water.
I, however, couldn't focus on the task because all I could think about what how amazing that flying Pteranodon was and how envious I was of the unappreciative submariners. It was then that a wild, agonizing screech filled the air; Captain Zanzibar and his crew lassoed the Pteranodon around his skinny neck and pulled him face-first into the dirt. It pained me greatly to see the poor creature humiliated in such an inhumane manner.
"Hah!" laughed Zanzibar in the Admiral's direction. "Looks like my men will be winning this challenge for us! You know what? Say I do ride this thing, if I get to the Heap first and win the challenge, who says I even have to give you a cut of our winnings, Admiral?"
Archibeque was furious, "How dare you! We share the winnings, you mutinous rat!"
But Zanzibar just laughed at having the upper hand over the Admiral. I knew that was to be expected with submariners. There was no loyalty between them, and they would never work together as a cohesive team, but I was also reminded of their cunning scheme in the previous trial, how they scammed the Theme Park Partnership through a cheat. I knew that these hooligans, whether arguing with each other or not, would stop at nothing to beat us.
"We have to get moving now!" I barked impatiently at my team. But it didn't help. The Professor reminded me that we had no strategy. The Plesiosaur wouldn't listen to us until we put our brains together and approached it reasonably.
I knew he was right; we had to do what our rivals could not - work together - but what did any of us know about creatures of the water? Every time we'd enter the water and try to wade closer to the dinosaur, he'd stubbornly swim a little bit further away.
Suddenly, and idea struck me. I gave the Professor a few directions, and within ten minutes he came up with a "carrot on a stick" type of contraption that we could use to lead the Plesiosaur. We originally tried to bait the stick with a fish that Mandelbaum caught bare-handed, but the dinosaur had literally no interest in the raw piece of meat. We were stumped for a few minutes, so we decided to park ourselves on the rocks near the water and ponder another plan. The Professor kicked off his shoes to relax a bit, and it was only then that we noticed the Plesiosaur was eyeballing us closely.
"He seems to have a bit of a foot fetish, Professor," I said.
And it was true; the Plesiosaur's eyes were downright glued to the Professor's spindly little toes. It licked its lips.
A few minutes later, Mandelbaum had the barefoot Professor dangling from the end of his carrot-stick, the whole thing re-rigged in a fashion capable of holding the Professor's weight. We hopped on the back of the Plesiosaur.
"This very undignifying, I must say!" shouted the Professor as he dangled a foot or two in front of the Plesiosaur's salivating mouth.
"Your sacrifice will be rewarded in the long run, Professor!" I shouted to him. "Just don't let your toes get too close to our friend's mouth."
And with that, we were off on our way up the river. I gave a sarcastic salute to the still-bickering submariners as we passed by them.
Hours passed and we continued our seemingly endless trek up the river. Riding the water creature was exhausting, as I never knew which way he'd react to a specific current in the river, and I was beginning to feel all sorts of motion sickness from the choppy waters. The Professor began to complain about the way he was uncomfortably strung up on the end of a stick.
"Don't worry, Professor," I tried to reassure him, "I have faith we are almost to the center of the island, and we'll reach the Great Rubble Heap soon enough."
As the words spilled out of my mouth half-heartedly and unconvincingly, it seemed the fates were on our side because within an instant, we came upon what was assuredly the aforementioned pile of rocks known as the Great Rubble Heap. We froze at the sight.
It was not at all what we expected. When some says "rubble", there's no way you would consider the largest mound of precious gemstones, golden nuggets, shining rubies, glowing sapphires, and brilliant diamonds that you've ever imagined; but that's exactly what we found! We were awestruck, speechless in the presence of this vast, wonderful treasure laid out before us.
Roarman had arrived ahead of us. No doubt, we were slow enough in taming our ride that he simply walked here and beat us.
"I see you were able to play on the Plesiosaur's natural love of toes - quite common in animals with flippers. Welcome to the Great Rubble Heap," he said. "This worthless pile of rocks has done nothing but cause trouble for the people of Roarnesia. For years it dammed the river. It was only recently that we were able to clear the mess."
"But Roarman," I said in disbelief, "don't you realize what you have here? Gold! Diamonds! Treasure beyond any reasonable person's wildest dreams!"
He simply shrugged and said, "Such things don't matter to the Roarnesians. Anyway, congrats, you win. Simply turn your steed around and head back to the meeting place. The Chief will announce your victory when you arrive."
With that, he trotted off, and it seemed like an overly casual way to declare our hard-fought victory over these three strenuous trials.
But Mandelbaum, the Professor, and I paid no attention; we whooped and hollered in tremendous celebration, patting each other on the back, dancing like merry fools, and wishing we had a fine bottle of absinthe to toast the occasion.
Amidst the celebrating, a thought had begun to consume me. I kept finding myself staring at that Great Rubble Heap - all the gemstones and gold chunks. Did the Roarnesians really think nothing of this indescribable treasure that was just tossed aside on the bank of the river? I picked up what had to be the most massive diamond ever found by a human, the size of my fist.
"What do you suppose the Roarnesians would think if I took this, Professor?" I asked. I really couldn't keep my eyes off the thing.
The Professor sidled up next to me, and the gem reflected a similar twinkle in his equally eager eyes. "Well, I suppose you shouldn't," he said, "but they did say it was worthless to them, right? Surely there would be no harm in relieving them of a small piece of clutter?"
I couldn't argue with his reasoning. But still, there was something... something deep down... that just didn't seem right about taking it.
...
We were on our way back to the meeting place aboard the back of our Plesiosaur, still celebrating our win and singing, when suddenly we were waylaid by our competition (aka the losers). The Pteranodon swooped down through the trees and plopped down on the ground with a most ungraceful landing. I could tell the clumsiness was no fault of the creature; he was bound with ropes around the mouth, feet, and shoulders, and on his back was Captain Zanzibar. I cursed him for treating his beautiful mount with such indignity.
"Get over it," he spat back at me, "this bird was nothing but trouble for us! Took us hours to get a saddle on the damn thing's back and it still got us nowhere close to the rock heap!"
I laughed mockingly and said, "Well good luck explaining that to your Admiral."
"Explain it yourself," he said, and then he pointed to the trees. Out strode Admiral Archibeque and the remaining entourage of the Submariners Legion.
"You may have beat us in the trial, blimpmen," he said, "but a team of dead men can't claim their prize."
With that, he pulled out his pistol and SHOT at us. It was only Mandelbaum's quick reaction that saved us from that initial shot. He yanked the rein holding our Plesiosaur's neck, and we dived out of the way - but I... I was not so fortunate.
I don't remember much about what happened next. All I know is that I didn't hold on tight enough, and I tumbled backward, hitting the cold water with a smack on my back, and all the air seemed to be sucked out of my lungs. The torrent of the river began to pull me down, deeper and deeper into the churning dark chasm, and then... all went black...
...
It was as if a perpetual nighttime had fallen over the world. I was alone, alone in the darkness. Where was the river, my team, the dinosaurs, and the pirates?
"Hello?" I asked, and my voice echoed in the darkness.
I waited in silence for what seemed to be several minutes, and then suddenly in the dark vast distance, I could see a little glowing light and hear some music. I walked closer in that direction, wondering to myself if this was where the expression "follow the light" comes from.
As I approached, I could see that the light came from a wonderful carousel, and the music was the most jolly fun music I'd ever heard. Riding on the mysterious carousel was Walt Disney (not his zombie, but actually him).
"Walt, you're alive!" I said.
"Not quite, old friend," he replied as he spun around the carousel on the back of a skeleton horse, "but come on over and have yourself a magical time on the Carousel of Purgatory. It was supposed to be my sequel to the Carousel of Progress, but I never got around to unveiling it. My business partners weren't having it. 'It's too grim,' they said, and 'Why don't you make another cartoon? You like cartoons, right?' I'm not an infant, you ingrates! I made Mickey Mouse after a weird trip on too much absinthe, if you must know. The whole cartoon thing just spiraled out of control. But the business partners said it was profitable. Money! Greed! That's all they ever cared about. Look how far that got us! I never was very good at picking a decent business partner. Anyway, I've been hanging out here for years."
"So, I'm dead then?" I asked, terrified.
"More or less. But that's up to you if you want to stick around. Have you had a fulfilling life?"
"Well, yes, I suppose. I did just have an amazing victory in the competition. I suppose that would be a good note to end on, right?"
He said, "You sure you ended on the right note?"
I was confused by the ominous way he said that, but he continued, "Hey, speaking of partners, have you met my friend?"
He pointed, and I noticed another person on the carousel with him. It was the skeleton-faced, tophat-wearing Baron Samedi. I knew him to be an ancient hoodoo spirit of death. He gave an evil laugh and danced around the spinning contraption, beckoning for me to join him. The lights began to shine brighter in a vivid neon display of hallucinations, and I grew dizzy from the spinning.
As Walt and the Baron laughed at me, arms over each other's shoulders, I ran away in fear. I ran and ran but never seemed to make it any farther from the carousel; every time I looked back, it was still two steps behind me. When I looked forward again, two enormous human-sized lips were floating in the void in front of me. I jumped in surprise at such a crazy vision, but then the lips started to wrap themselves around my whole body. I squeezed in between their lush, juicy flaps, being massaged by those comfortable wet cushions.
"Hey, this isn't so bad," I thought. "It's woooonderful..."
And then I awoke to Mandelbaum pulling away from my face. He looked me in the eyes and wiped away a bit of spittle from his lips. I could barely collect myself as I stared groggily up at him and his dreamy brown eyes. My voice didn't seem to be working and all I could mutter was, "What... happened...?"
And then Mandelbaum PUNCHED me in the stomach, and a most violent stream of water-filled vomit spewed from my mouth. That felt better.
The Professor helped me to my feet. "We thought we had lost you back there. When you fell into the water, we were sure you were dead. But thanks to Mandelbaum and our loyal steed, who was able to grab you by the toes before you sank, you were saved."
I gave my undying thanks to my companion and to our most loyal Plesiosaur. "The pirates?" I asked.
"Gone for now. We lost them in the chase. But it is nightfall soon. At this rate, we won't make it back to the meeting place until morning. I suggest we move quickly before the enemy find us."
I nodded, still reeling and exhausted from the experience. It was a grueling day, but at least I can say one thing made it all worth it: WE WON!
#thethirdtrial #neardeathexperience #carouselofpurgatory
#skyandsea #greatrubbleheap #WINNERS
Friday
Dino Fact #99: Out of all the dinosaur fossils that have ever been discovered, less than 0.1% have been correctly identified as male or female because the skeleton is too incomplete. How weird is that??? Or maybe all dinos were genderless; thus, extinction. OH MY GOSH I JUST CREATED SCIENCE!!! Now THAT'S a potential Dino Fact!*
We arrived at the meeting place on the back of our Plesiosaurus steed, ready to claim our prize. I had forgotten all about my exhaustion, despite a night of travelling and the strenuous experiences from the day before, because all I could think about was how wonderful it felt to be the victors in the trials! The Professor was going on and on about the wonderful new Blimping Academy that he would start on our hard-won Roarnesian piece of land, but I didn't mind hearing him ramble on. Winning put me in the highest spirits possible.
When we arrived, we were surprised to see Roarman sitting on a rock with his back turned to us. He looked almost sad. The Triceratops, Chief Roar'rok, was there also, but per usual he was paying us no mind, simply grazing on the grasses. We approached Roarman, a little confused by his dour mood.
"We're ready to claim our prize!" I shouted, but he never stirred from his crouched position. "Roarman? I said we're ready to claim our prize. The land? When do we get it?"
"You don't," he muttered.
I was so confused. Mandelbaum, the Professor, and I simply glanced at each other - what was going on here?
Roarman spun around to face us and continued gruffly, "You undertook the trials to prove your worth as a citizen of Roarnesia, to show your commitment to unity, peace, and the preservation of our untouched paradise. You forfeited your rights to a piece of our island when you deemed yourself unworthy - greedy and profiteering like all humans before you - thus decreed by the mighty Chief Roar'rok. Let his words be stated for the record: 'Roar, roarium roarroar. Roarius blimproar roarmik roaring, et ceteroar, et ceteroar!'"
"What are you talking about, Roarman?"
"You get NOTHING!" he yelled, "YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY, SIRS!"
We stood with our mouths agape. After all we'd been through? All the trials? My near death? Surely we had deemed ourselves worthy in every trial we faced. It made utterly no sense.
The Professor was the first to lose his temper, "You're a crook! The Chief doesn't even care - just look at him. This was you, Roarman, this was all your doing!"
But Roarman just sat there with his back turned to us, waiting for us to leave.
The Professor fumed, "We're leaving, and we'll tell all the world about this place - how Roarnesia is nothing but a swindler's hideaway! You build up a young blimpman's dream and then smash it all to pieces. You're more of an inhuman monster than these dinosaurs!"
Roarman replied, "I SAID GOOD DAY!"
The Professor stormed off, and we turned to follow him.
As we walked away slowly, it was not a feeling of anger or bitterness or defeat that came over me, but a feeling of guilt. Even now I can't exactly explain what it was. But I turned around and walked back toward the old man huddled on the rock.
"Roarman?"
He didn't answer.
"Phil?" I said, and then I fished into my pocket and retrieved the diamond that I took from the Great Rubble Heap. It was a most glorious gem indeed, but at this point, it didn't seem worth the trouble. I placed it on the rock next to him and walked away.
I heard him mutter something about "a good deed in a weary world", or maybe "a cold knee in a wheel of worms" - I'm not sure, probably the first one - but when I turned around, he sprung up from the rock and threw his hands into the air.
"My boy! You did it!" he shouted, and he threw his arms around me in the most ecstatic hug. "I knew you could do it! I just knew it! Oh blimpmen, forgive me! Don't you see? This was the final trial. I had to test you, and you passed. You won! You are worthy to own a piece of Roarnesia!"
We were all so confused, but there was no time to even think about it - we won! We truly won! I don't know how - but we did it!
We celebrated more passionately than ever before, hugging, dancing, singing, and at one point Mandelbaum got on the Chief's back and rode him happily in circles. If only the whole Blimping Corps were here to join in on our parade. We truly had the most grand moment, just the three of us and Roarman and some inquisitive dinosaurs nearby, but the celebration was cut short by a GUNSHOT.
We were startled and looked over to see Admiral Archibeque holding a pistol pointed in the air. Captain Zanibar and the Submariners Legion walked out of the jungle behind him. The Admiral lowered his weapon and said, "Let it be known that if blimpmen win the prize, we submariners will make sure there's no prize left for them to claim."
Zanzibar chimed in, "We will burn this island to the ground along with every soul on it."
"Not if we have anything to say about it," said another voice from nearby. It was Burgess Van der Muir of the Theme Park Partnership! And with him was his partner, Walt Zombney. But Zombney got a good look at us and suddenly wobbled his way onto our side. He might have been a walking corpse, but at least he still had the good sense to pick a decent partner in the end. I somehow got the impression that old Walt down his purgatorial resting place had achieved a slight bit of closure.
"Glad you finally came to your senses, Zombney," I said, and we were glad to take him back as our blimpman brother. Burgess spat curses at his traitorous partner.
Meanwhile, yet another voice joined in the fray, squeaking, "Looks like we came back just in time for the rumble."
It was King Chipchomp, leading his army of squirrels - this time with a thousand more troops than he had before.
I glanced around at the crowd and said, "Well, gentlemen (and squirrels), it seems the truce is no more. And it looks like there's only one way this is going to end."
"Death!" shouted Chipchomp, and the other teams roared along with him.
"Oh, I was going to say a volleyball match, but sure. I mean, I didn't wear my fighting shoes - but yeah, whatever works for you guys."
And with that each army charged forward!
The Battle for Roarnesia had begun! Within seconds, squirrels were pouncing on us, biting, scratching, and clawing. Submariners were shooting their weapons at acorn-throwing squirrels in the trees, and Mandelbaum punched Admiral Archibeque so hard his hat flew off his head. The Professor and I positioned ourselves back-to-back, warding off a squad of squirrels that had surrounded us. A terrifying screech filled the airs, and I immediately recognized the cry as the Pteranodon. It came crashing through the trees, with Captain Zanzibar on its back, yelling a war cry. The Pteranodon snatched up squirrels left and right in its beak.
There was so much chaos, so much death, and at one point I'm pretty sure I saw Walt Zombney take a bite of Burgess Van der Muir's dead body, but the battle and bloodshed raged on.
I was bruised and beaten, and covered in the blood and fur of fallen squirrels. The intensity of the fighting only escalated. At one point, trees came crashing down in front of us, and the terrifying Tyrannosaurus Rex known as Skroarrel came charging into the warzone. He had a hundred squirrels on his back, and they pelted us with nuts and acorns.
Skroarrel was gobbling up submariners left and right as they tried to flee, and all seemed to turn to the squirrels' favor, when suddenly a second Tyrannosaur came bounding into the mix. It was our Roario, with his long wooden arms, and Mandelbaum was riding on his back! Roario and Skroarrel clashed in an epic, titanic battle, rumbling the whole earth and destroying every piece of tree and rock in their wake. Roario's long arms gave him a bit of an edge as he smacked Skroarrel in the face, but we knew there would be no end of the fight in sight.
Suddenly, the great and mighty Triceratops, Chief Roar'rok, charged forth like an angry bull. He placed himself between the two Tyrannosaurs, warding off their roaring mouths with wide, swinging strokes of his swordlike horns. He held his ground against both of them without fear, showcasing his might.
I found Roarman taking cover behind the rocks, and I ran up to him. "There will be no end to this battle until every last one of us is dead!" I cried.
"What should we do?" he asked desperately.
I truly didn't know what the answer would be, but I knew I had to try something. I stood up on the rock and screamed loud. I screamed "STOP!" again and again, and it took several minutes for everyone to finally lend their attention. Finally all eyes were on me.
"Don't you see?" I cried. "This battle will never end. If blimpmen win today, it'll only be a matter of time before submariners attack again. And if they win, then it'll be squirrels. We'll just continue to fight until none of us, or none of this island, is left. How many more people need to die here?"
All remained quiet, and I wasn't sure if what I said was sinking in with them, or if they just appreciated taking a breather from the battle until it resumed again.
"Don't you see that we outsiders have done nothing but spoil this peaceful paradise? Roarnesia never had problems until we arrived. We're just ruining this place with our greed and our violence. That's why... that's why the blimpmen are declining our victory. No one gets the island, not even us."
I looked at my team unsuredly, knowing it would be hard for the Professor to give up his dreams of a Blimping Academy, but they all nodded their silent approval of my gesture.
"And Roarman, you and the Roarnesians need to use that Great Rubble Heap to pay off your debts. Continue to keep the island a secret." He nodded too.
There was a silence afterwards, but Archibeque was the first to break it. "I think the submariners have had enough fun for today," he said in a tired breath. "Wouldn't you agree, Captain Zanzibar? Let's say we hit the high seas. Surely there's other undiscovered islands out there left for us to pillage, and with less trouble than this one."
With that, the Legion (what was left of them) turned and left.
King Chipchomp looked like he still had a bit of fight left in him, but he said, "Whatever. We'll kill ya some other time." And then he and the squirrels left too.
That left the team of blimpmen alone on the island. Roarman said to us, "Blimpmen, you are indeed noble individuals. I understand why you did what you did, and I thank you, but please know that the honorary status as citizen of Roarnesia is always available to you. On behalf of Chief Roar'rok and all the Roarnesians, we thank you for your service here today."
It was at that moment that Chief Roar'rok finally approached us. We took a step back as his pointy horns came closer to us. We thought he might finally say some powerful words to us in this moment. Instead, he simply scooted us out of the way so he could get to a fresh batch of ferns growing near our feet. I supposed he was indifferent to our human presence, even here in the end, just the same as it had always been for all the beautiful creatures of Roarnesia.
As the Chief snacked, we turned to make our departure. Roarman asked if we could perhaps take him with us, as he was growing weary of his service to the island and enjoyed having human contact again, but we encouraged him that his work was important. Plus, I'm sure the guy hadn't bathed in years, and having him on a blimp with us for a few weeks would be a bad idea. We continued our march back to our blimps, sore and exhausted, but thankful for another successful adventure.
#theend #battleforroarnesia #gooddaysir #dinofacts
* For more daily Dino Facts, text RRROOOAAARRR!!! to your Congressman.
Dino Fact #21: Did you know the Epidexipteryx was the smallest dinosaur? It was a miniscule 10 inches long and weighed only 5.8 ounces! Now THAT'S a Dino Fact!
If you were wondering where I've been for the past three weeks, I've actually been flying across the Pacific Ocean to the island of Roarnesia. You may be asking yourself, "Where is Roarnesia? I've never heard of that or seen it on any maps." And you'd be correct to second-guess your own shoddy knowledge of cartography. You see, Roarnesia has been an uncharted, untouched paradise since before the dawn of man. It is, in fact, home to hundreds of supposedly "extinct" species of flora and fauna, including over nineteen species of those formidable lizards known as DINOSAURS.
Yes, you are reading that correctly! The island has been kept a secret for generations and has been the real-life inspiration for numerous works of fiction, including classics like Arthur Conan Doyle's The Lost World, Edgar Rice Burrough's The Land that Time Forgot, James Gurney's Dinotopia, and Bill Murray's Jurassic Park. Massive government efforts have gone into the preservation of this secret island. The honor of receiving a private invitation to visit there was not lost on me. Only a handful of humans have ever seen the wonders of the lost island. I must admit I was consumed with excitement! (Plus, the whole way there was I thinking how sick it would be to ride a Pteranodon!)
Mandelbaum took charge of the navigation, and I could see the beautiful volcanic island on the horizon. It was actually Giorgio Dirigibili, the Italian professor and my fellow blimpman, who asked Mandelbaum to come along on this journey with me. I wasn't sure why he'd need Mandelbaum present, but I was, of course, happy to have his company.
When we landed on the beach, I quickly spotted Dirigibili's purple blimp parked a few clicks away. We met up with him in the jungle. The Professor said, "You've made it just in time, gentlemen. The others are already ahead of us."
"Others?" I asked. "I thought you and I were the only blimpmen who received the invitation."
"You are," said a soft voice from behind us. Tucked in the treeline was another human, one I had not noticed before. "Good afternoon, gentlemen. My name is Roarman Roarsenroar, or you may refer to me by my human name, Phil. I'm the only human who lives on the island and I've been asked to lead you to the meeting place with the others. You will find that you are not the only visitors from the outside world who were invited here, as I do believe the Professor was about to say."
We didn't waste any time in gathering our things and following the odd, grey-bearded, treebark-and-leaf-clad fellow into the jungle. He wasn't one for conversation, and it made me wonder just how long he'd been without human contact (and a bath).
We trekked for a while in silence, and I was incredibly anxious to see one of these famed dinosaurs I'd heard so much about, but there wasn't a single one to be found. I was beginning to think we'd fallen for some elaborate hoax.
About an hour later, we arrived at a clearing in the jungle, somewhere in the center of the island. A series of stones, clearly arranged by some ancient architect, had been laid out in a primitive Stonehenge-like temple. I was shocked to see who these "others" were that Roarman had mentioned. Apparently, we were the last to arrive, and pocketed around the circular temple were three other groups.
To our left were representatives of the Submariners Legion, sworn enemies of the Blimping Corps. I recognized one of them as the vicious dwarf who'd waylaid us in the past: Captain Zanzibar. His face was still badly mangled from the injuries I'd helped cause, and I cringed at his gruesome disfigurement. He saw Mandelbaum and me walking up and he pulled a tiny scimitar out from his scabbard.
"You're dead, blimp-meat!"
But a much larger hand jetted out and held him back. The restraining hand belonged to another pirate I hadn't met before. He was as massive as Zanzibar was short, wearing a large red buccaneer's hat and possessing a nasty scar running down the entire length of his grey-bearded face.
"Not today, Captain Zanzibar," growled this vicious pirate through his crooked silver teeth. "The truce won't permit the bloodshed of blimpmen, no matter how deservin' they are."
The Professor leaned over and said this new antagonist was named Admiral Archibeque, and he was the dreaded leader of the Submariners Legion.
Across from us was the second group, led by a famous amusement park tycoon from South Africa named Burgess Van der Muir, who ran all sorts of family-fun safaris on the continent. With him was his business partner - wait, it was Walt Disney's Zombie!
"Walt Zombney," I shouted, "what are you doing with him? You're part of the Blimping Corps!"
Walt Zombney grumbled something, and Roarman Roarsenroar chimed in, "Today he represents the Theme Park Partnership."
And the last group, to our right, was the most fearsome of the groups: it was King Chipchomp III and his delegation of squirrels from the squirrel kingdom of Squercia. They squeaked at each other and at us in the most evil way. No wonder the Professor had asked Mandelbaum to come; no doubt, he was to be our "muscle" while in the presence of this most sinister group of villains.
Lastly, we - Mandelbaum, the Professor, and I - made up the fourth group: the Blimping Corps. I was highly concerned that some sort of battle royale was about to take place between the four groups, as I neglected to wear my fighting shoes, but Roarman reassured us that we were all standing on sacred grounds. There would be no bloodshed while we were on Roarnesia, as each group had sworn a solemn vow of truce. Anyone who might break the truce would be trampled into a fine, bloody powder of bone and flesh by the great and powerful chief of the island, Chief Roar'rok.
And that's when I finally caught sight of my first dinosaur as a thunderous TRICERATOPS came bounding into the temple! The ground shook with each mighty step that carried his twelve-ton body. Roarman bowed low as Chief Roar'rok entered the circle, and we followed suit, but the chief didn't even notice our presence. Why would he? We were but tiny squirrels (and actual squirrels) compared to his massive, behemoth stature. The Chief seemed to ignore us and started chomping noisily on a bit of ferns growing near the stones.
Roarman exclaimed, "Chief Roar'rok has declared that the four groups present today - submariners, squirrels, theme park enthusiasts, and blimpmen - shall be invited to stay on the island and showcase their commitment to peace and unity. After a series of trials, the group that is deemed most worthy, shall receive a one-sixteenth piece of the island to call their own."
We all exchanged eager looks with each other. Was it true? Each group had a shot at owning a piece of this priceless paradise? How amazing!
Roarman continued, "We do have to pay a bit of tax in order to keep this island a secret, after all, so renting this place out to you guys is the best way we know how. The trials begin tomorrow. Good luck to you!"
Roarman and the Chief departed together, and that left the four groups to digest the news we'd just heard.
"So it's true, then," said Admiral Archibeque, "the Roarnesians plan to give away some of their land. It'll be the perfect new Pacific headquarters for the Submariners Legion, says I!"
The pirates cheered, and Zanzibar shot me the middle finger.
Burgess Van der Muir tugged at his khaki vest and shouted proudly, "Not if I have anything to say about that! This place is a ripe location for a theme park! I can picture it now - my own real-life Jurassic Park!"
Walt Zombney grumbled an agreement.
King Chipchomp and the squirrels squawked furiously, scampering about the place like a fuzzy wildfire, each of them shouting something about "world domination."
That left us - the blimpmen. Professor Dirigibili leaned over to me and said, "This will be a prime location for the new Blimping Academy. I'll need your help in proving our cause the best."
I agreed that we stood the best chances, but competing with these nasty backstabbers all around us was bound to be a challenge. The Professor, Mandelbaum, and I retreated back to my blimp to discuss the first stages of our plan. In the meantime, I have grown nervous about what the first "trial" for Roarnesia may be. I suppose we will find out soon.
#roarnesia #lostisland #DINOSAURS
#thegameison #blimpmenftw #dinofacts
Tuesday
Dino Fact #36: You know all those pictures and movies where a T-Rex is fighting a Stegosaurus? Total crock! The T-Rex and Stegosaurus lived farther apart from each other in the timeline than the T-Rex and humans do. True story. In other words, we had a better chance of running into a T-Rex than a Stegosaurus did. Now THAT'S a Dino Fact!
The natural beauty of this island is absolutely stunning. I awoke early, admiring a flock of Pteranodons as they flew around the island. I wondered what it would be like to soar through the air on the back of one of those majestic creatures and also just exactly how to pronounce their name. I barely slept last night due to the combination of unidentifiable prehistoric noises coming from the jungle, the worried feeling of knowing submariners and squirrels were nearby, and my nervousness about the first trial.
The Professor, Mandelbaum, and I agreed that the best course of action for our three-man team was to work together in whatever obstacle comes our way.
"We really need to win," said the Professor. "My university's blimp studies program has been in decline for years. Winning some land on this island will give us the perfect opportunity to create our own Blimping Academy here! Can you imagine how many esteemed new blimpmen we'd attract with such an exotic locale?!"
I concurred with his sentiment.
A few hours after dawn, we heard the blast of a horn deep within the jungle. We packed our gear and followed the summons. Again, we were the last group to arrive. (I made a note that we must work on punctuality if we're to win this competition.) The other groups - submariners, squirrels, and theme park enthusiasts - were waiting impatiently.
Roarman Roarsenroar, the human delegate to the dinosaur tribe and our interpreter, stood before us and said, "Welcome to the first trial. As you know, Roarnesia is the home to magnificent creatures from a forgotten era. They have thrived together in a peaceful utopia without interference from the outside world. But there has always been one group of dinosaurs who failed to uphold the principles that Roarnesians hold so dear: the Tyrannosaurus Rexes."
There were a few gasps from the groups and from me. As an amateur dinosaur enthusiast myself, I knew all about these "tyrant kings" and their infamous ferocity.
Roarman continued, "There are four such creatures here on the island. One for each group. They're kind of jerks, as they formed their own gang and like to harass smaller dinosaurs. It's your job to get them to conform to the peace-loving ways of our community and bring them here. Good luck!"
With that, Roarman blew his horn once again and trotted off. This left us alone with the other groups.
"Zanzibar!" shouted Admiral Archibeque of the submariners. "What exactly is a 'Tyrannosaurus Rex?'"
"It's a dinosaur, Admiral. Big and fierce, loves to kill."
"Ah, I like the sound of that already. May the best team win," said Admiral Archibeque.
"Don't worry, we will," replied Burgess Van der Muir with a cocky tip of his safari hat. "I can already see it now: Burgess Van der Muir and Walt Zombney present, 'Dinowood Studios!'"
Zombney moaned something about how his name should come first, and Van der Muir called him an idiot.
King Chipchomp of the squirrels fluffed up his bushy tail angrily. "We'll be the first to find one of these Tyrannosaurs, since we know the forests better than any of you skinbags. You don't stand a chance!" He squawked, and his platoon of Squercian squirrels dashed off into the jungle.
I was worried that the King was right. If we were going to find a Tyrannosaur first, we had to get moving. Mandelbaum led our search party into the jungle. A few hours into the trek, we had seen all sorts of fantastic creatures, such as feathery Archaeopteryges and sunbathing Dimetrodons, but no sign of our quarry other than a few truck-sized footprints in the ground. We heard commotion from distant places in the jungle, no doubt our rivals stirring up trouble; I only hoped they had not managed to woo a Tyrannosaur before we had.
It was around dusk when we finally caught sight of one of the fearsome creatures. This particular Tyrannosaurus Rex was a colossal twenty tons of sinew and muscle. With every sway of his bulky head, I could perfectly glimpse his razor sharp fangs covering every inch of his still blood-stained maw. I've seen vicious predators in my travels, but I assure you nothing has stricken me with such fearful anxiety as seeing this unstoppable beast just yards away from me. He was all alone, marching through the forest, knocking over trees as if they were nothing but weeds! We were startled when Roarman appeared behind us.
"This one's name is Roario," he said.
We jumped at his presence, and I asked, "Surely you're not allowed to assist us in this trial, Roarman?"
"No," he replied, "I simply came to give you an update. The others have made contact with their Tyrannosaurs, but no one has been able to convince one to join our side - yet. You still have a chance. This one here - Roario - he's the meanest of them all. He once ate my father."
"Roarman, that's awful!" I exclaimed.
Roarman replied flatly, "Yes, but it was a noble death. It is an ambassador's dream to be eaten alive by these majestic creatures, especially on the day of your child's birth."
I gasped, "He ate your father on the day you were born?"
"Yes," said Roarman, "but all is well because my mother was able to raise me. That is, until she was stomped to death by Roario a few years later."
"Cheese and crepes, Roarman, you're really bringing us down here."
"My apologies," he said. "I shall leave you to your task. But you've got your work cut out for you. Good luck!"
Roarman scurried off, and that left the three of us wondering just how to approach this terrifying Roario. He surely wouldn't take kindly to a bunch of tiny strangers telling him what to do.
"Any ideas?" asked the Professor.
I shook my head and stared at the menacing Roario for a long time, hoping to find some sign of humanity in the tremendous beast. It just looked so impossible. How were we to reason with this vicious killer? One wrong word and he could impale us with rows of razor-sharp incisors, or stomp us with dagger-clawed feet, or smack us in the mouth with those tiny... well, the tiny hands weren't really a problem. Actually, they looked pretty silly. I mean really? You're the most deadly creature in the history of the earth and you've got these two little weenie-fingers on a pair of stubby little arms? ... Then suddenly, an idea struck me! I told Mandelbaum to retrieve his machete and start hacking at one of the fallen trees nearby.
...
Two hours later, we were back at the meeting place. Roarman was there awaiting our return. I could tell by his expression that he was stunned to see our Tyrannosaurus Rex, Roario, following obediently behind us.
"Wha-- how?" he said dumbly.
I patted the awestruck fellow on the back as we marveled at our friendly new pet and said, "You see, all it took was a few kind words with old Roario.He just wanted someone to listen. It turns out that all he really wanted was for people to stop making fun of his...," and then I whispered so the creature wouldn't hear, "...stubby little arms. I think it really ruined his gang's street cred as a big, tough predators."
And that's when I pointed to Roario's new set of arms. You see, I had Mandelbaum cut apart a few tree trunks, and thanks to Professor Dirigibili's engineering prowess, we were able to work together to make some synthetic "arms" for Roario. The dinosaur waved around his wooden tree-trunk arms happily, mouth open wide in some sort of reptilian smile, and he strutted around proudly like he was the most dynamic dino this island had ever seen. It really was heartwarming.
"Well done," said Roarman. "Van der Muir and Walt Disney's Zombie were able to win the favor of their dinosaur with a well-performed puppet show."
We looked over and saw Burgess and Zombney playing with a set of hand-puppets; their amused Tyrannosaur stomped up and down joyfully.
"And the Submariners Legion got their Tyrannosaur drunk on squid liquor and made him part of the crew."
We looked over and Captain Zanzibar was riding on the back of a wobbly Tyrannosaur like it was some sort of rodeo bull, while Archibeque and the other pirates shot their guns into the air, cheering.
Roarman looked around. "But hmm... I don't see the squirrels anywhere."
And that's when all hell broke loose. With a mighty CRASH, the fourth Tyrannosaurus Rex came bursting into the clearing. Trees and rocks went flying in every direction as he bounded heavily, quaking the earth with each thunderous stomp. Everyone went running in separate directions, and that's when Mandelbaum and I noticed what was happening. On the back of the charging Tyrannosaur was King Chipchomp and his entire squirrel platoon.
They cheeped out a venomous war cry, and the King cried out, "BEHOLD OUR MIGHTY STEED! We have named him Skroarrel, and with his might we shall conquer this island - AND ALL THE WORLD! HA! HA! HA!"
Roarman rolled his eyes and said, "Well the squirrels are definitely disqualified."
A violent skirmish rang out for the next few minutes - pirates were stomped, squirrels were shot, and others fled into the forest. At one point, Mandelbaum even mounted the raging Tyrannosaurus, single-handedly knocked all the squirrels to the ground, tamed the wild dinosaur, and rode him away into the jungle. (As he rode past me, I could tell by the smirk on his face that he'd just checked an item off his bucket list.)
Thus passed the first trial. We're still in the standings, for now. I'm eager to see what the second trial has in store for us.
#success #thefirsttrial #dinoarms #roario
#justmisunderstood #skroarrel #mandelbaumridesagain
Wednesday
Dino Facts #58-60: The smartest dinosaur was the Troodon (but only about as smart as a possum), the dumbest was the Stegosaurus (brain the size of a walnut), and fossilized dino poop is called coprolite (the biggest one found was a whopping 17 inches long and 6 inches in girth). Now THAT's back-to-back Dino Facts! You can't even handle it!
We heard Roarman's horn at first light; it seemed we would be wasting no time in starting the second trial. I was feeling greatly inspired after our success in the first trial, but I also worried about the fierce competition. Although the squirrels were out of the game, I hadn't expected the Submariners Legion and the Theme Park Partnership to have performed so well in the first trial. I would surely hate to see the Roarnesians' land go to these other groups, so I was inspired to do even better in today's trial, whatever that might bring.
Roarman and the great Triceratops, Chief Roar'rok, were waiting for us in the meeting place. All the groups arrived simultaneously. (Our punctuality has gotten better. Check.) As the Chief grazed on some long grasses, chewing obnoxiously loud for my liking, Roarman said, "In the first trial you showcased your commitment to peace and unity by taming the wild Tyrannosaurs. It is the Chief's wishes that today you prove your nurturing spirit. If you are to own a piece of our island, you must show that you can tend to its natural needs. Ah, there she is now..."
We turned to see who this "she" was that he was talking about, and through the treeline there strode the longest creature I'd ever seen - from head to toe nearly 75 feet in length! Her tailed swayed magnificently behind her, but it was her long, outstretched, gorgeous neck that amazed me most. She rather ignored us and started snacking on the highest branches of a nearby tree.
Roarman said, "Here on the island, there are few so deserving of respect as our 'mother lizard', the Apatosaurus. Since today is actually Roarnesian Mother's Day--" and then Roarman paused a second, kissed his finger, and pointed to the heavens. I noticed the slight whimper in his voice and I remembered sadly how his mother was trampled by a dinosaur.
"Will you get on with it, you ninny?" groaned the pirate Archibeque.
"My apologies," said Roarman. "As I was saying, we want to treat Auroara with a lovely gift for Mother's Day. She'll be enjoying a bit of a spa day in the mud pits and some much-needed time with the girls. You, however, will need to watch over her nest in her absence."
There was much grumbling between the groups, and even I was not keen on the idea of playing nursemaid on this adventure.
"She has three eggs that are due to hatch any moment now. One for each team. Your job is simply to watch over them, protect them, and keep them warm. The group whose egg hatches last will be eliminated from the competition. Good luck!"
I was getting tired of Roarman's casual wishing of luck, but he paid no heed and strode off with the two dinosaurs. A few minutes later, the rest of us located Auroara's nest in the woods nearby. As stated, there were three large beige eggs sitting in the nest. Each group took a few minutes to strategize on how best to watch over them.
The Professor said we needed someone to keep our egg warm, as they hatch best in such conditions. I stated that Mandelbaum would be the best candidate, as he was closest in size to a dinosaur, and also his firm yet supple hindquarters most resembled those of a healthy dinosaur. He wasn't thrilled with the idea, but he took a squat on our egg, shifting his weight a little bit to get comfortable.
Meanwhile, the submariners were arguing about who should sit on their egg.
"I'm not doing it!" shouted Captain Zanzibar.
Admiral Archibeque retorted, "I gave you an order, Captain! Now get your tiny mangled butt onto that egg before I have you flayed and fed to one of these godforsaken dragons!"
Captain Zanzibar was so short he could barely even get on top of the egg. He and it wobbled all over the place.
"Quit your wobbling, you confounded midget, and find your sea legs!"
"I will smash this egg on your face if you don't shut it!" shouted Zanzibar.
I was pleased to see the discord in their group, and I thought to myself how much it benefited our team's chances.
Across from us, the Theme Park Partnership wasn't doing much better. Walt Disney's Zombie was taking the first watch over their egg, but Burgess Van der Muir was complaining that "Your cold, dead body isn't warming up the egg at all, Zombney! Let me have a go at it."
They switched places, and I admit I had some fun taunting them a bit.
"Poor Zombney, looks like you should have stayed with the blimpmen for this competition. We're not having any trouble keeping our egg nice and toasty."
"That's because you blimpmen pride yourselves on being full of hot air," retorted Burgess, and everyone on the other teams laughed.
I was embarrassed by his well-timed zing. I tried to come up with a witty retort... something... something about eggs and farts and... damn... I lost it. If I said it now I'd just look like a tool. By then, he'd moved on to another conversation, not really talking to anyone in particular.
"I don't even know why we're bothering with this," he said as he inspected the egg beneath his legs. "I mean, if we just stole these eggs and took them back home with us, we could create our own dinosaur-themed amusement park back home. There'd be no point in dragging customers all the way out here to a mosquito-infested wastehole."
"Your farts come from a wastehole and it smells like an egg!" I snapped.
Everyone just looked at me. It was awkward.
Professor Dirigibili broke the silence. "Your greed will be your downfall, Burgess. As it is with us all."
But Van der Muir just scoffed, and Zombney moaned something about "Mickeeyyy."
Hours and hours passed and still none of the eggs had hatched. I originally thought we stood a decent chance, but the pirates were showing that their large team could easily handle rotations, switching egg-sitting duties whenever one person would get tired. At this rate, they would outlast our three-man team easily. Even the ever-indefatigable Mandelbaum was growing uncomfortable with his long sit on the egg, and his thighs were aching, but he refused to quit.
As night fell, to our fortune a quarrel broke out in the nest. "If you don't squeeze those tiny dwarfen buttcheeks tighter," screamed Archibeque to Zanzibar, who was now back on egg-sitting duty, "then I swear I will grab you by the neck and use your head to hammer that blasted egg open myself!"
"I'm squeezing as tight as I can, Admiral! If you don't like it, then come over here and do it with your own fat arse!"
The Admiral stormed over to Zanzibar and slugged him across the head. The tiny captain went rolling across the nest and tumbled straight into Burgess and Zombney's egg.
"Hey watch it!"
And then for the next few minutes a ruckus broke out in the nest. I was glad to stay out of it, but with all the shoving back and forth, someone eventually bumped into me. I was about to return a volley when suddenly a cracking sound got everyone's attention. We all froze.
Whose egg was it? We glanced around the nest, and that's when we all saw Mandelbaum with his eyes wide open.
I yelled, "Ours is hatching!"
We quickly scurried to our egg and watched as the baby Apatosaurus (I've decided to name him Mandelbaum Junior, by the way) squeezed his oozy little body neck-first out of his shell. It was a glorious wonder of nature to behold, one of the most beautiful and uplifting things any of us had ever seen, and the words for such a beautiful sight escaped me.
"Suck itttt, chumps!" I shouted to the other teams, and then we took off running with baby M.J. back to the meeting place.
A while later we were back with Roarman and the Chief. We said our farewells to Mandelbaum Junior, who was now walking on his own four legs. He was able to trot off with his much larger mother. It was a beautiful sight, and on Roarnesian Mother's Day no less. (Mandelbaum wiped at his eye, but he said it was only a tear caused by dust and that the dust was caused by the deep emotional resonance of seeing nature take its course.)
Our sensitive reflection was interrupted by a commotion from the jungle behind us, and coming up with another baby Apatosaurus were Burgess Van der Muir and Zombney.
"Hah!" I exclaimed rather happily, "so the submariners are eliminated!"
"You hold it right there, thief!"
It was Archibeque and the other submariners racing up behind them. He continued, "Our egg hatched before theirs! We got caught up in an argument about who would carry the placenta-covered devil, and it wasn't 'til later when we noticed they had run off with it!"
Burgess was appalled at the accusation. "That's not true! We never! Our egg hatched and we have proof of that in our hands!"
Roarman, however, caught sight of something and reached into Burgess' pack and pulled out... AN EGG! A fully formed, unhatched dinosaur egg. Zombney laughed and playfully clapped his hands. "Mickeeyyyy!"
But Burgess was, by all appearances, completely shocked at this unfavorable turn of events for him. He stuttered, "But we-- I-- how?"
Roarman cut him off saying, "So you were going to steal an egg? Your greed has no place here on Roarnesia. The Theme Park Partnership is hereby disqualified."
With that, the second trial ended. This leaves only the submariners and blimpmen, sworn rivals, as the final two teams. The night ended as our team made our way back to my blimp. I couldn't help but wonder if all that happened tonight was above board, or if someone had pulled a bit of funny business back there. I told Mandelbaum and the Professor to go ahead without me, that I needed to look into a small matter before I retired back to the comfort of the Eurydice. They were confused but let me go.
I traveled a good while longer into the night until I came to another beach on the island. It was here that the submariners had made their camp. I made sure to stay quiet by hiding behind a mass of ferns, using my natural skill of sneakery to stay undetected. It was from my concealment that I could overhear their conversation as they drunkenly celebrated on the beach.
Captain Zanzibar raised a toast of squid liquor, "To Admiral Archibeque, for his ingenious plan!"
Everyone laughed and cheered, and I looked on inquisitively.
Archibeque boasted, "Aye! I knew those stupid Roarnesians would fall for it, us plantin' that egg on old Burgess. We may not know much about hatchin' eggs and being motherly, but we sure as hell know how to rig a trap!"
The applause was tremendous. I couldn't believe my ears, and yet none of it was really hard to believe. But apparently that wasn't all...
"And tomorrow," he said, "we'll finally do away with those infernal blimpmen, and Roarnesia will be ours!"
As the raucous party raged on and the pirates shot their pistols into the sky, I snuck away silently into the darkness.
#thesecondtrial #cheaters #mandelbaumjunior
#happyroarnesianmothersday #eggsitting
Thursday
Dino Fact #73: I hate to admit it, but dinosaurs get too much credit. Before the dinosaurs, synapsids were the dominant land animals. Synapsids ruled the land for 50 million years and died out in an extinction event that killed 96% of all life on earth! Why does no one care about the poor synapsids?! Stop trying to cover up history! CONSPIRACY! Now THAT'S a Dino(/Synapsid) Fact!
Let the third and final trial begin! Mandelbaum, the Professor, and I were rallying and pumping each other up all morning with majestic chest bumps, noogies, and some secret society fight songs. Never had I been so prepared to tackle a challenge. We knew the Roarnesians' third trial would be the most testing, especially since our arch rivals - the submariners - were our competition, but that didn't stop us from basking in the enthusiastic spirit of competition.
We met up with the opposing team, and I was pleased to see that they seemed to be nursing a hangover from the festivities of last night. Admiral Archibeque rubbed his temple and scolded his men for their overly loud "mouth breathing."
Roarman gathered us on a beach, where the island's river was flowing into the ocean through a marshy delta, and he was quick to get us started with the challenge: "The great Chief Roar'rok has decreed that the winner of the final trial will be the undisputed recipient of a coveted one-sixteenth piece of our island. It is his wish that the final trial be a race."
I was extremely thrilled by this prospect, as I knew our team was capable in a race. Mandelbaum is, as we know, extremely fit; the Professor makes it a habit to tone his body through aerobic jazzercise; and I have a wicked, obsessive-compulsive need for speed. A race was right up our alley.
"You have proven that you are all creatures of the land, what with your two legs, your taming of wild beasts, and your ability to tend to the nest of a dinosaur. But you must also prove that you are creatures of the sky. And creatures of the sea."
My teammates and I were even more thrilled now; blimpmen were indeed creatures of the sky, so any challenge in that arena was a guaranteed win. The submariners shared the shame affirmation, however, being committed to the seas.
"But don't get too comfortable yet," added Roarman, "because you're not getting off that easy. The Chief demands that you, blimpmen, become creatures of the sea. And submariners, you must learn to live in the sky."
And now I wasn't so sure about this whole trial. Plus, it was really getting on my nerves that Roarman was so quick to point out the "Chief's" opinions in all this; where was that old Triceratops anyway?
"You mean we must... swap?" asked Professor Dirigibili.
"Indeed," said Roarman. "At the heart of Roarnesia there is a giant rock pile, known as the Great Rubble Heap. The winner of the race will be the first team to reach the Great Rubble Heap. Here's the catch: blimpmen, you must travel via the river, on the back of this Plesiosaurus."
We looked and sure enough in the waters there was a long-necked Plesiosaurus, barely paying us any attention, but waiting for us. His bulbous body seemed to float directly on top of the water, causing a little rubbery-skinned hill where his fishy little clawless fins protruded out to the side. I honestly had no idea how the three of us were supposed to ride that aquatic creature to the center of the island, let alone mount it.
"And submariners, you will be flying, on the back of a Pteranodon."
At that very second there was a majestic screech in the air above us, and an avian figure flew over us, casting a shadow on the earth below. I looked up and saw one of those amazing Pteranodons that I had longed to ride since our arrival here. I was so jealous of those submariners! The Pteranodon landed near us and let out a magnificent cry. It flapped its long membranous wings with such ferocious strength that piles of sand kicked up and blasted against our faces. While my team and I admired this amazing champion of the air, the submariners did not appreciate its beauty - backing away in fear and even drawing their weapons.
Little Captain Zanzibar exclaimed angrily, "I'll be damned if you get me on the back of that monster!"
Roarman said that they would forfeit then, should no one accept the challenge, but Archibeque said he wouldn't let the blimpmen win that easily. "Don't listen to him. I'm the commander of this fleet, and I says if anyone's gettin' to that rubble heap first, it's the submariners. Now get on that beast's back, Captain Zanzibar, or I'll give that creature a nice bite-sized snack to sway him onto our side."
Roarman chimed in, "Well, you guys get the point, right? First one to the Heap wins. You better get moving. And as always, good luck!"
Both teams stood around for another thirty minutes discussing strategy. The pirates continued to argue over who would and who wouldn't ride the Pteranodon and how such a feat were even possible. Meanwhile, we were very uncertain about mounting our Plesiosaurus friend in the water. Every time Mandelbaum got close to him, he'd duck his head beneath the water.
I, however, couldn't focus on the task because all I could think about what how amazing that flying Pteranodon was and how envious I was of the unappreciative submariners. It was then that a wild, agonizing screech filled the air; Captain Zanzibar and his crew lassoed the Pteranodon around his skinny neck and pulled him face-first into the dirt. It pained me greatly to see the poor creature humiliated in such an inhumane manner.
"Hah!" laughed Zanzibar in the Admiral's direction. "Looks like my men will be winning this challenge for us! You know what? Say I do ride this thing, if I get to the Heap first and win the challenge, who says I even have to give you a cut of our winnings, Admiral?"
Archibeque was furious, "How dare you! We share the winnings, you mutinous rat!"
But Zanzibar just laughed at having the upper hand over the Admiral. I knew that was to be expected with submariners. There was no loyalty between them, and they would never work together as a cohesive team, but I was also reminded of their cunning scheme in the previous trial, how they scammed the Theme Park Partnership through a cheat. I knew that these hooligans, whether arguing with each other or not, would stop at nothing to beat us.
"We have to get moving now!" I barked impatiently at my team. But it didn't help. The Professor reminded me that we had no strategy. The Plesiosaur wouldn't listen to us until we put our brains together and approached it reasonably.
I knew he was right; we had to do what our rivals could not - work together - but what did any of us know about creatures of the water? Every time we'd enter the water and try to wade closer to the dinosaur, he'd stubbornly swim a little bit further away.
Suddenly, and idea struck me. I gave the Professor a few directions, and within ten minutes he came up with a "carrot on a stick" type of contraption that we could use to lead the Plesiosaur. We originally tried to bait the stick with a fish that Mandelbaum caught bare-handed, but the dinosaur had literally no interest in the raw piece of meat. We were stumped for a few minutes, so we decided to park ourselves on the rocks near the water and ponder another plan. The Professor kicked off his shoes to relax a bit, and it was only then that we noticed the Plesiosaur was eyeballing us closely.
"He seems to have a bit of a foot fetish, Professor," I said.
And it was true; the Plesiosaur's eyes were downright glued to the Professor's spindly little toes. It licked its lips.
A few minutes later, Mandelbaum had the barefoot Professor dangling from the end of his carrot-stick, the whole thing re-rigged in a fashion capable of holding the Professor's weight. We hopped on the back of the Plesiosaur.
"This very undignifying, I must say!" shouted the Professor as he dangled a foot or two in front of the Plesiosaur's salivating mouth.
"Your sacrifice will be rewarded in the long run, Professor!" I shouted to him. "Just don't let your toes get too close to our friend's mouth."
And with that, we were off on our way up the river. I gave a sarcastic salute to the still-bickering submariners as we passed by them.
Hours passed and we continued our seemingly endless trek up the river. Riding the water creature was exhausting, as I never knew which way he'd react to a specific current in the river, and I was beginning to feel all sorts of motion sickness from the choppy waters. The Professor began to complain about the way he was uncomfortably strung up on the end of a stick.
"Don't worry, Professor," I tried to reassure him, "I have faith we are almost to the center of the island, and we'll reach the Great Rubble Heap soon enough."
As the words spilled out of my mouth half-heartedly and unconvincingly, it seemed the fates were on our side because within an instant, we came upon what was assuredly the aforementioned pile of rocks known as the Great Rubble Heap. We froze at the sight.
It was not at all what we expected. When some says "rubble", there's no way you would consider the largest mound of precious gemstones, golden nuggets, shining rubies, glowing sapphires, and brilliant diamonds that you've ever imagined; but that's exactly what we found! We were awestruck, speechless in the presence of this vast, wonderful treasure laid out before us.
Roarman had arrived ahead of us. No doubt, we were slow enough in taming our ride that he simply walked here and beat us.
"I see you were able to play on the Plesiosaur's natural love of toes - quite common in animals with flippers. Welcome to the Great Rubble Heap," he said. "This worthless pile of rocks has done nothing but cause trouble for the people of Roarnesia. For years it dammed the river. It was only recently that we were able to clear the mess."
"But Roarman," I said in disbelief, "don't you realize what you have here? Gold! Diamonds! Treasure beyond any reasonable person's wildest dreams!"
He simply shrugged and said, "Such things don't matter to the Roarnesians. Anyway, congrats, you win. Simply turn your steed around and head back to the meeting place. The Chief will announce your victory when you arrive."
With that, he trotted off, and it seemed like an overly casual way to declare our hard-fought victory over these three strenuous trials.
But Mandelbaum, the Professor, and I paid no attention; we whooped and hollered in tremendous celebration, patting each other on the back, dancing like merry fools, and wishing we had a fine bottle of absinthe to toast the occasion.
Amidst the celebrating, a thought had begun to consume me. I kept finding myself staring at that Great Rubble Heap - all the gemstones and gold chunks. Did the Roarnesians really think nothing of this indescribable treasure that was just tossed aside on the bank of the river? I picked up what had to be the most massive diamond ever found by a human, the size of my fist.
"What do you suppose the Roarnesians would think if I took this, Professor?" I asked. I really couldn't keep my eyes off the thing.
The Professor sidled up next to me, and the gem reflected a similar twinkle in his equally eager eyes. "Well, I suppose you shouldn't," he said, "but they did say it was worthless to them, right? Surely there would be no harm in relieving them of a small piece of clutter?"
I couldn't argue with his reasoning. But still, there was something... something deep down... that just didn't seem right about taking it.
...
We were on our way back to the meeting place aboard the back of our Plesiosaur, still celebrating our win and singing, when suddenly we were waylaid by our competition (aka the losers). The Pteranodon swooped down through the trees and plopped down on the ground with a most ungraceful landing. I could tell the clumsiness was no fault of the creature; he was bound with ropes around the mouth, feet, and shoulders, and on his back was Captain Zanzibar. I cursed him for treating his beautiful mount with such indignity.
"Get over it," he spat back at me, "this bird was nothing but trouble for us! Took us hours to get a saddle on the damn thing's back and it still got us nowhere close to the rock heap!"
I laughed mockingly and said, "Well good luck explaining that to your Admiral."
"Explain it yourself," he said, and then he pointed to the trees. Out strode Admiral Archibeque and the remaining entourage of the Submariners Legion.
"You may have beat us in the trial, blimpmen," he said, "but a team of dead men can't claim their prize."
With that, he pulled out his pistol and SHOT at us. It was only Mandelbaum's quick reaction that saved us from that initial shot. He yanked the rein holding our Plesiosaur's neck, and we dived out of the way - but I... I was not so fortunate.
I don't remember much about what happened next. All I know is that I didn't hold on tight enough, and I tumbled backward, hitting the cold water with a smack on my back, and all the air seemed to be sucked out of my lungs. The torrent of the river began to pull me down, deeper and deeper into the churning dark chasm, and then... all went black...
...
It was as if a perpetual nighttime had fallen over the world. I was alone, alone in the darkness. Where was the river, my team, the dinosaurs, and the pirates?
"Hello?" I asked, and my voice echoed in the darkness.
I waited in silence for what seemed to be several minutes, and then suddenly in the dark vast distance, I could see a little glowing light and hear some music. I walked closer in that direction, wondering to myself if this was where the expression "follow the light" comes from.
As I approached, I could see that the light came from a wonderful carousel, and the music was the most jolly fun music I'd ever heard. Riding on the mysterious carousel was Walt Disney (not his zombie, but actually him).
"Walt, you're alive!" I said.
"Not quite, old friend," he replied as he spun around the carousel on the back of a skeleton horse, "but come on over and have yourself a magical time on the Carousel of Purgatory. It was supposed to be my sequel to the Carousel of Progress, but I never got around to unveiling it. My business partners weren't having it. 'It's too grim,' they said, and 'Why don't you make another cartoon? You like cartoons, right?' I'm not an infant, you ingrates! I made Mickey Mouse after a weird trip on too much absinthe, if you must know. The whole cartoon thing just spiraled out of control. But the business partners said it was profitable. Money! Greed! That's all they ever cared about. Look how far that got us! I never was very good at picking a decent business partner. Anyway, I've been hanging out here for years."
"So, I'm dead then?" I asked, terrified.
"More or less. But that's up to you if you want to stick around. Have you had a fulfilling life?"
"Well, yes, I suppose. I did just have an amazing victory in the competition. I suppose that would be a good note to end on, right?"
He said, "You sure you ended on the right note?"
I was confused by the ominous way he said that, but he continued, "Hey, speaking of partners, have you met my friend?"
He pointed, and I noticed another person on the carousel with him. It was the skeleton-faced, tophat-wearing Baron Samedi. I knew him to be an ancient hoodoo spirit of death. He gave an evil laugh and danced around the spinning contraption, beckoning for me to join him. The lights began to shine brighter in a vivid neon display of hallucinations, and I grew dizzy from the spinning.
As Walt and the Baron laughed at me, arms over each other's shoulders, I ran away in fear. I ran and ran but never seemed to make it any farther from the carousel; every time I looked back, it was still two steps behind me. When I looked forward again, two enormous human-sized lips were floating in the void in front of me. I jumped in surprise at such a crazy vision, but then the lips started to wrap themselves around my whole body. I squeezed in between their lush, juicy flaps, being massaged by those comfortable wet cushions.
"Hey, this isn't so bad," I thought. "It's woooonderful..."
And then I awoke to Mandelbaum pulling away from my face. He looked me in the eyes and wiped away a bit of spittle from his lips. I could barely collect myself as I stared groggily up at him and his dreamy brown eyes. My voice didn't seem to be working and all I could mutter was, "What... happened...?"
And then Mandelbaum PUNCHED me in the stomach, and a most violent stream of water-filled vomit spewed from my mouth. That felt better.
The Professor helped me to my feet. "We thought we had lost you back there. When you fell into the water, we were sure you were dead. But thanks to Mandelbaum and our loyal steed, who was able to grab you by the toes before you sank, you were saved."
I gave my undying thanks to my companion and to our most loyal Plesiosaur. "The pirates?" I asked.
"Gone for now. We lost them in the chase. But it is nightfall soon. At this rate, we won't make it back to the meeting place until morning. I suggest we move quickly before the enemy find us."
I nodded, still reeling and exhausted from the experience. It was a grueling day, but at least I can say one thing made it all worth it: WE WON!
#thethirdtrial #neardeathexperience #carouselofpurgatory
#skyandsea #greatrubbleheap #WINNERS
Friday
Dino Fact #99: Out of all the dinosaur fossils that have ever been discovered, less than 0.1% have been correctly identified as male or female because the skeleton is too incomplete. How weird is that??? Or maybe all dinos were genderless; thus, extinction. OH MY GOSH I JUST CREATED SCIENCE!!! Now THAT'S a potential Dino Fact!*
We arrived at the meeting place on the back of our Plesiosaurus steed, ready to claim our prize. I had forgotten all about my exhaustion, despite a night of travelling and the strenuous experiences from the day before, because all I could think about was how wonderful it felt to be the victors in the trials! The Professor was going on and on about the wonderful new Blimping Academy that he would start on our hard-won Roarnesian piece of land, but I didn't mind hearing him ramble on. Winning put me in the highest spirits possible.
When we arrived, we were surprised to see Roarman sitting on a rock with his back turned to us. He looked almost sad. The Triceratops, Chief Roar'rok, was there also, but per usual he was paying us no mind, simply grazing on the grasses. We approached Roarman, a little confused by his dour mood.
"We're ready to claim our prize!" I shouted, but he never stirred from his crouched position. "Roarman? I said we're ready to claim our prize. The land? When do we get it?"
"You don't," he muttered.
I was so confused. Mandelbaum, the Professor, and I simply glanced at each other - what was going on here?
Roarman spun around to face us and continued gruffly, "You undertook the trials to prove your worth as a citizen of Roarnesia, to show your commitment to unity, peace, and the preservation of our untouched paradise. You forfeited your rights to a piece of our island when you deemed yourself unworthy - greedy and profiteering like all humans before you - thus decreed by the mighty Chief Roar'rok. Let his words be stated for the record: 'Roar, roarium roarroar. Roarius blimproar roarmik roaring, et ceteroar, et ceteroar!'"
"What are you talking about, Roarman?"
"You get NOTHING!" he yelled, "YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY, SIRS!"
We stood with our mouths agape. After all we'd been through? All the trials? My near death? Surely we had deemed ourselves worthy in every trial we faced. It made utterly no sense.
The Professor was the first to lose his temper, "You're a crook! The Chief doesn't even care - just look at him. This was you, Roarman, this was all your doing!"
But Roarman just sat there with his back turned to us, waiting for us to leave.
The Professor fumed, "We're leaving, and we'll tell all the world about this place - how Roarnesia is nothing but a swindler's hideaway! You build up a young blimpman's dream and then smash it all to pieces. You're more of an inhuman monster than these dinosaurs!"
Roarman replied, "I SAID GOOD DAY!"
The Professor stormed off, and we turned to follow him.
As we walked away slowly, it was not a feeling of anger or bitterness or defeat that came over me, but a feeling of guilt. Even now I can't exactly explain what it was. But I turned around and walked back toward the old man huddled on the rock.
"Roarman?"
He didn't answer.
"Phil?" I said, and then I fished into my pocket and retrieved the diamond that I took from the Great Rubble Heap. It was a most glorious gem indeed, but at this point, it didn't seem worth the trouble. I placed it on the rock next to him and walked away.
I heard him mutter something about "a good deed in a weary world", or maybe "a cold knee in a wheel of worms" - I'm not sure, probably the first one - but when I turned around, he sprung up from the rock and threw his hands into the air.
"My boy! You did it!" he shouted, and he threw his arms around me in the most ecstatic hug. "I knew you could do it! I just knew it! Oh blimpmen, forgive me! Don't you see? This was the final trial. I had to test you, and you passed. You won! You are worthy to own a piece of Roarnesia!"
We were all so confused, but there was no time to even think about it - we won! We truly won! I don't know how - but we did it!
We celebrated more passionately than ever before, hugging, dancing, singing, and at one point Mandelbaum got on the Chief's back and rode him happily in circles. If only the whole Blimping Corps were here to join in on our parade. We truly had the most grand moment, just the three of us and Roarman and some inquisitive dinosaurs nearby, but the celebration was cut short by a GUNSHOT.
We were startled and looked over to see Admiral Archibeque holding a pistol pointed in the air. Captain Zanibar and the Submariners Legion walked out of the jungle behind him. The Admiral lowered his weapon and said, "Let it be known that if blimpmen win the prize, we submariners will make sure there's no prize left for them to claim."
Zanzibar chimed in, "We will burn this island to the ground along with every soul on it."
"Not if we have anything to say about it," said another voice from nearby. It was Burgess Van der Muir of the Theme Park Partnership! And with him was his partner, Walt Zombney. But Zombney got a good look at us and suddenly wobbled his way onto our side. He might have been a walking corpse, but at least he still had the good sense to pick a decent partner in the end. I somehow got the impression that old Walt down his purgatorial resting place had achieved a slight bit of closure.
"Glad you finally came to your senses, Zombney," I said, and we were glad to take him back as our blimpman brother. Burgess spat curses at his traitorous partner.
Meanwhile, yet another voice joined in the fray, squeaking, "Looks like we came back just in time for the rumble."
It was King Chipchomp, leading his army of squirrels - this time with a thousand more troops than he had before.
I glanced around at the crowd and said, "Well, gentlemen (and squirrels), it seems the truce is no more. And it looks like there's only one way this is going to end."
"Death!" shouted Chipchomp, and the other teams roared along with him.
"Oh, I was going to say a volleyball match, but sure. I mean, I didn't wear my fighting shoes - but yeah, whatever works for you guys."
And with that each army charged forward!
The Battle for Roarnesia had begun! Within seconds, squirrels were pouncing on us, biting, scratching, and clawing. Submariners were shooting their weapons at acorn-throwing squirrels in the trees, and Mandelbaum punched Admiral Archibeque so hard his hat flew off his head. The Professor and I positioned ourselves back-to-back, warding off a squad of squirrels that had surrounded us. A terrifying screech filled the airs, and I immediately recognized the cry as the Pteranodon. It came crashing through the trees, with Captain Zanzibar on its back, yelling a war cry. The Pteranodon snatched up squirrels left and right in its beak.
There was so much chaos, so much death, and at one point I'm pretty sure I saw Walt Zombney take a bite of Burgess Van der Muir's dead body, but the battle and bloodshed raged on.
I was bruised and beaten, and covered in the blood and fur of fallen squirrels. The intensity of the fighting only escalated. At one point, trees came crashing down in front of us, and the terrifying Tyrannosaurus Rex known as Skroarrel came charging into the warzone. He had a hundred squirrels on his back, and they pelted us with nuts and acorns.
Skroarrel was gobbling up submariners left and right as they tried to flee, and all seemed to turn to the squirrels' favor, when suddenly a second Tyrannosaur came bounding into the mix. It was our Roario, with his long wooden arms, and Mandelbaum was riding on his back! Roario and Skroarrel clashed in an epic, titanic battle, rumbling the whole earth and destroying every piece of tree and rock in their wake. Roario's long arms gave him a bit of an edge as he smacked Skroarrel in the face, but we knew there would be no end of the fight in sight.
Suddenly, the great and mighty Triceratops, Chief Roar'rok, charged forth like an angry bull. He placed himself between the two Tyrannosaurs, warding off their roaring mouths with wide, swinging strokes of his swordlike horns. He held his ground against both of them without fear, showcasing his might.
I found Roarman taking cover behind the rocks, and I ran up to him. "There will be no end to this battle until every last one of us is dead!" I cried.
"What should we do?" he asked desperately.
I truly didn't know what the answer would be, but I knew I had to try something. I stood up on the rock and screamed loud. I screamed "STOP!" again and again, and it took several minutes for everyone to finally lend their attention. Finally all eyes were on me.
"Don't you see?" I cried. "This battle will never end. If blimpmen win today, it'll only be a matter of time before submariners attack again. And if they win, then it'll be squirrels. We'll just continue to fight until none of us, or none of this island, is left. How many more people need to die here?"
All remained quiet, and I wasn't sure if what I said was sinking in with them, or if they just appreciated taking a breather from the battle until it resumed again.
"Don't you see that we outsiders have done nothing but spoil this peaceful paradise? Roarnesia never had problems until we arrived. We're just ruining this place with our greed and our violence. That's why... that's why the blimpmen are declining our victory. No one gets the island, not even us."
I looked at my team unsuredly, knowing it would be hard for the Professor to give up his dreams of a Blimping Academy, but they all nodded their silent approval of my gesture.
"And Roarman, you and the Roarnesians need to use that Great Rubble Heap to pay off your debts. Continue to keep the island a secret." He nodded too.
There was a silence afterwards, but Archibeque was the first to break it. "I think the submariners have had enough fun for today," he said in a tired breath. "Wouldn't you agree, Captain Zanzibar? Let's say we hit the high seas. Surely there's other undiscovered islands out there left for us to pillage, and with less trouble than this one."
With that, the Legion (what was left of them) turned and left.
King Chipchomp looked like he still had a bit of fight left in him, but he said, "Whatever. We'll kill ya some other time." And then he and the squirrels left too.
That left the team of blimpmen alone on the island. Roarman said to us, "Blimpmen, you are indeed noble individuals. I understand why you did what you did, and I thank you, but please know that the honorary status as citizen of Roarnesia is always available to you. On behalf of Chief Roar'rok and all the Roarnesians, we thank you for your service here today."
It was at that moment that Chief Roar'rok finally approached us. We took a step back as his pointy horns came closer to us. We thought he might finally say some powerful words to us in this moment. Instead, he simply scooted us out of the way so he could get to a fresh batch of ferns growing near our feet. I supposed he was indifferent to our human presence, even here in the end, just the same as it had always been for all the beautiful creatures of Roarnesia.
As the Chief snacked, we turned to make our departure. Roarman asked if we could perhaps take him with us, as he was growing weary of his service to the island and enjoyed having human contact again, but we encouraged him that his work was important. Plus, I'm sure the guy hadn't bathed in years, and having him on a blimp with us for a few weeks would be a bad idea. We continued our march back to our blimps, sore and exhausted, but thankful for another successful adventure.
#theend #battleforroarnesia #gooddaysir #dinofacts
* For more daily Dino Facts, text RRROOOAAARRR!!! to your Congressman.
© C. Blake McIntire and Blimp Tales, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to C. Blake McIntire and BlimpTales.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
